It was Fan Appreciation Night at the Foot this past Friday and Castaways were the opponent in what was the last home game of the season for United.
In what can only be described as a drastic and unforgiveable error in judgement, we here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot.com turned over the match report this week to our very own players. The following is what was submitted…
The Official Match Report (from LakehillUnited.Blogspot.com):
In a game that Castaways had to win to maintain a possibility of moving into the first division, it was the Division 2 Golden Boot race that dominated the affairs. Chris “A Real Life Professor in Math” Woodcock on 10 for the season, and some idiot who can’t count on 11 for Castaways. United knew that if they fed the Cock, it would score.
It was the Castaways player that struck first in a sloppy goal inside the opening 10 minutes. United, failing to clear the ball from their own area, were punished when the bouncing ball fell to a Castaways player. Castaways celebrated like they had won the World Cup but anyone who had seen the early season fixture between the two teams would know that there were much more goals in the match.
United’s response was immediate and emphatic. A positive run into the Castaways box produced a spot kick and it was only right that Woodcock step up and do the honours. He calmly slotted it home and the game was tied as well as the Golden Boot race at 11 apiece.
Shortly after, the United goal was tested again as a strong challenge in the box from Mike “Bruised Banana” Peters resulted in a penalty. Peters pulled himself up and saved the PK in dramatic fashion whilst keeping the Castaways’ most successful goal scorer off the score sheet.
Castaways, frequently caught offside, were doing their best to disrupt the United rhythm and it worked as they found a second goal. A high looping cross into our area was well finished on the volley by Castaways’ leading scorer and the game and Golden Boot race were once again thrown wide open.
Cockle - still in the scoring race with one game left to play. Oh yeah - also he can count.
But the Cock would not be denied as another driving thrust forward produced a magnificent finish; leaving many onlookers out of breath and reaching for a cigarette. Thirty five minutes in, scored tied at 2, 12 goals apiece, and questions that needed answering: Who could go on and win it? Could the Cock get up for one more go in the next hour? Who is Nash’s father?
The answers, unfortunately for United, were provided shortly before the half as Castaways scored their third (and what turned out to be final) goal of the game. And it was scored by their leading scorer who promptly celebrated in front of the United bench by shouting out “it’s 3-nil!” The intended effect of the statement was surely lost on Lakehill players and fans alike as all burst out laughing at the sheer stupidity of such a comment.
3-2 at the half and the game would stay that way despite a Castaways sending off in the second half as United failed to find the net in the latter parts of the game.
United do hold an ace in their sleeve as they have one more game on the 24th of March in Powell River to play. The Cock will be up for it with 2 goals needed to steal the overall scoring title.
United would like to note impressive appearances by call-ups Mike “Celtipool” Reid (Danger Police), Dillon “The Call-up” Walker (u21), and JR “The Other Call-Up” Belliveau (u21). Thanks guys!
The Player’s Match Report:
“I got the scoop of the week for ya. Its my birthday and im drunk [sic]” said Mike Moore when pressed about details of the game. Sadly Mike is 56 years old now, was not at the game, and is suffering from being quite old. Thanks Opa, you’ll be pleased to know that is something my Grandpa would say!
Opa - hey at least you can still find them....
Ian “Boom Boom Pow” Broomer turned out to be the Maya Angelou of the bunch with his rhyming prose when referencing the poor counting skills of the Castaways frontman:
“We were quick to learn that #10 could not count,
I guess our two he hadn't taken into account.
He kept trying to say it was three nil,
He must have forgot about the 2 Woodcock scored at will.”
I guess our two he hadn't taken into account.
He kept trying to say it was three nil,
He must have forgot about the 2 Woodcock scored at will.”
He went on to talk about the Castaways sending off:
“It was a set of chops we haven't seen in some time,
Yet they still couldn't distract us from bitch and whine.”
Yet they still couldn't distract us from bitch and whine.”
If Boomer is United’s Charlotte Bronte, then Nash must certainly be United’s Dr Seuss, when he had this to say about picking his check on Castaways before subbing in:
“Rimek: who r u taking out
Nash: the guy w sidebruns [sic]
Rimek: who r u taking out
Nash: the guy w sideburns
Rimek: who r u taking out
Nash: oooooh on our team...Benny”
In reference to a very poor throw-in by Castaways, Nash also had this to say:
Nash: the guy w sidebruns [sic]
Rimek: who r u taking out
Nash: the guy w sideburns
Rimek: who r u taking out
Nash: oooooh on our team...Benny”
In reference to a very poor throw-in by Castaways, Nash also had this to say:
“troy: and that's why u don't wear mittens”
Andrew “Discount” Sails was more succinct in his comments when he provided this gem:
“Butcher has more ground game than the UFC???”
And finally, our very own Plato, Mike “Inverted Banana” Peters, philosophically proposed the following lessons:
“Lesson 1: Karate lessons should not be practiced during the game.”
“Lesson 2: If you do lesson 1, save resulting penalty shot from the second whiniest baby (#10) in the league.”
“Lesson 3: Make sure the biggest baby (#7) doesn’t score in between his crying.”
We know, we know....this was an ill-fated effort to begin with. Stay tuned for a possible road trip to Powell River and possibly one more match report!!!
