Hints, Allegations, and Goals Left Unscored. Lakehill Squeak One Out Versus Bottom of the Table Gorge

It's always going to be a tough situation.  United, coming off the front-nine that has been the season so far, sit undefeated at the top of the table.  Gorge, their opponent, rooted to the cellar on just 3 points.  How do you get a team motivated while convincing them to treat their opponent with respect?

Gorge's mission was easy: Nothing to lose, play for the win, these guys are cocky, there are points there for the taking.  And take points, they almost did.  Well, at least 1 point, almost.

United 2 - Cowichan 0. Halfway Through the Season and Lakehill Remain Undefeated!

It was labelled the "undisputed match of the round" by VISL forum poster, Duster, and it didn't disappoint as United emerged victorious over an attacking Cowichan side at the beloved Foot.

The season up to this game saw United on 15 points after playing 7, drawing 3, and winning 4 up against a quality Cowichan side who was just 1 point back in second place.  The fixture was always going to be a tricky one as these two teams tied each other in both fixtures last season at 0-0 as defense won out in both games.  Cowichan had only conceded 4 goals so far this term and United were one better at 3.  If anything, this one was going to end 0-0 which is not what the neutrals wanted to see.

Battle of the Mathletes, As Lakehill Expose Castaways Poor Counting in 3-2 Thriller!

It was Fan Appreciation Night at the Foot this past Friday and Castaways were the opponent in what was the last home game of the season for United. 

 

In what can only be described as a drastic and unforgiveable error in judgement, we here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot.com turned over the match report this week to our very own players.  The following is what was submitted…

 

The Official Match Report (from LakehillUnited.Blogspot.com):

 

In a game that Castaways had to win to maintain a possibility of moving into the first division, it was the Division 2 Golden Boot race that dominated the affairs.  Chris “A Real Life Professor in Math” Woodcock on 10 for the season, and some idiot who can’t count on 11 for Castaways.  United knew that if they fed the Cock, it would score.

 

It was the Castaways player that struck first in a sloppy goal inside the opening 10 minutes.  United, failing to clear the ball from their own area, were punished when the bouncing ball fell to a Castaways player.  Castaways celebrated like they had won the World Cup but anyone who had seen the early season fixture between the two teams would know that there were much more goals in the match.

 

United’s response was immediate and emphatic.  A positive run into the Castaways box produced a spot kick and it was only right that Woodcock step up and do the honours.  He calmly slotted it home and the game was tied as well as the Golden Boot race at 11 apiece.

 

Shortly after, the United goal was tested again as a strong challenge in the box from Mike “Bruised Banana” Peters resulted in a penalty.  Peters pulled himself up and saved the PK in dramatic fashion whilst keeping the Castaways’ most successful goal scorer off the score sheet.

 

Castaways, frequently caught offside, were doing their best to disrupt the United rhythm and it worked as they found a second goal.  A high looping cross into our area was well finished on the volley by Castaways’ leading scorer and the game and Golden Boot race were once again thrown wide open. 

 Cockle - still in the scoring race with one game left to play.  Oh yeah - also he can count.

But the Cock would not be denied as another driving thrust forward produced a magnificent finish; leaving many onlookers out of breath and reaching for a cigarette.  Thirty five minutes in, scored tied at 2, 12 goals apiece, and questions that needed answering: Who could go on and win it?  Could the Cock get up for one more go in the next hour?  Who is Nash’s father?

 

The answers, unfortunately for United, were provided shortly before the half as Castaways scored their third (and what turned out to be final) goal of the game.  And it was scored by their leading scorer who promptly celebrated in front of the United bench by shouting out “it’s 3-nil!”  The intended effect of the statement was surely lost on Lakehill players and fans alike as all burst out laughing at the sheer stupidity of such a comment. 

 

3-2 at the half and the game would stay that way despite a Castaways sending off in the second half as United failed to find the net in the latter parts of the game.

 

United do hold an ace in their sleeve as they have one more game on the 24^th of March in Powell River to play.  The Cock will be up for it with 2 goals needed to steal the overall scoring title.

 

United would like to note impressive appearances by call-ups Mike “Celtipool” Reid (Danger Police), Dillon “The Call-up” Walker (u21), and JR “The Other Call-Up” Belliveau (u21).  Thanks guys!

 

The Player’s Match Report:

 

“I got the scoop of the week for ya. Its my birthday and im drunk [sic]” said Mike Moore when pressed about details of the game.  Sadly Mike is 56 years old now, was not at the game,  and is suffering from being quite old.  Thanks Opa, you’ll be pleased to know that is something my Grandpa would say!

 Opa - hey at least you can still find them....

Ian “Boom Boom Pow” Broomer turned out to be the Maya Angelou of the bunch with his rhyming prose when referencing the poor counting skills of the Castaways frontman:

 

“We were quick to learn that #10 could not count,
I guess our two he hadn't taken into account.
He kept trying to say it was three nil,
He must have forgot about the 2 Woodcock scored at will.”

 

He went on to talk about the Castaways sending off:

 

“It was a set of chops we haven't seen in some time,
Yet they still couldn't distract us from bitch and whine.”

 

If Boomer is United’s Charlotte Bronte, then Nash must certainly be United’s Dr Seuss, when he had this to say about picking his check on Castaways before subbing in:

 

“Rimek: who r u taking out
Nash: the guy w sidebruns [sic]
Rimek: who r u taking out
Nash: the guy w sideburns
Rimek: who r u taking out
Nash: oooooh on our team...Benny”

In reference to a very poor throw-in by Castaways, Nash also had this to say:

 

“troy: and that's why u don't wear mittens”

 

Andrew “Discount” Sails was more succinct in his comments when he provided this gem:

 

“Butcher has more ground game than the UFC???”

 

And finally, our very own Plato, Mike “Inverted Banana” Peters, philosophically proposed the following lessons:

 

“Lesson 1: Karate lessons should not be practiced during the game.”

 

“Lesson 2: If you do lesson 1, save resulting penalty shot from the second whiniest baby (#10) in the league.”

 

“Lesson 3: Make sure the biggest baby (#7) doesn’t score in between his crying.”

We know, we know....this was an ill-fated effort to begin with.  Stay tuned for a possible road trip to Powell River and possibly one more match report!!!

Celtic (3) – Lakehill (Awesome)

The Sir John “Michael” Jackson Cup made its way to the Foot on Friday night complete with all of the pageantry and magic the Cup brings to the VISL.  United’s Cup run had been eventful after narrowly surviving the first round against a formidable BYE side. 


The second round brought Sooke Celtic of the first division to Saanich to play the minnows of Lakehill in a game that meant little to the United squad and everything to the bumpkins of the Western Communities (is that politically correct? – meh).

United, without several squad members, were forced to rotate the team with a rare bench appearance by reserve team player Stevie “World of Warcraft” Howard.

On the pitch, United were set up to frustrate Celtic with a strong defensive formation that adapted to a counter attacking system offensively.  The clear United stand-outs in the first half were United’s defensive line of Jer “I’m not Happy, My Face is Just Like This 24-7” Roberg, Bryan “I Like Playing on the Ground” Butcher, Sam “When I’m Injured I Walk Like Holla” Yager, and Brett “Drop Your Pants and Cough” Poulis. 

Poulis and Roberg did well to break up the attacks down the wings while Butcher and Yags broke up the aerial threat and reduced Sooke to long range shots that failed to trouble Mike “His SH$T is Bananas” Peters.

Poulis and Roberg - Tag Team Champs

Peters did survive a scary moment in the first half when he dropped a routine save and got a firm foot to hand reward for his insolence.  That’ll learn you!


The half ended at honours even with no goals scored and few chances carved out by either team.  If Sooke were the better team, the neutral would not have known it as United were very comfortable defending and breaking up the Celtic attacks.

The second half started poorly as Sooke capitalized from a tight angle to go ahead.  Shortly after it was 2-0 for Celtic as they scored a bullet from a mis-cleared corner. 

United responded by adjusting formation and pushing their wingers higher up the pitch.  Andy “Clearance” Sails proved to be a handful as he burst forward and cause Sooke problems in the back.  Additionally, Howard himself saw time in the second half on the opposite wing.

Alas it was not to be United’s game as Sooke caught them pushing up.  A slip at the back and heavy suspicion of offside saw Celtic score the third and final goal of the game.


The remainder of the game turned a bit ugly as Sooke let their class show through with some tremendously dirty challenges.  One challenge saw a through ball on the Sooke goal chased down by a United winger, only for a strong push in the back from a Sooke defender to cause contact with the Celtic goalie.  The contact led to several Celtic players surrounding the Hill player and threatening to “kill him” – classy.  

Stevie Howard - Not this ripped in real life

The game finished with several Sooke players attempting taunts with the United bench over the scoreline.  It should be noted that these taunts fell on deaf ears as the overall cup apathy and general festive spirit of United could not be dented.

Man of the Match: Andrew "Enforcer" Sails

Holle-Nash Award: N/A

Moan of the Match: Sooke - Class of an Onion

Lakehill Guarantee Top 6 Spot With Solid Point in Nanaimo

A picture is worth a thousand words...

Man of the Match: Mike "Head Wound" Peters
Holle-Nash Valentine's Gift Pack:  Mike "Booboo" Peters
Moan of the Match: Mike "Gash" Peters

United Take Points in Hard Fought Battle at Braefoot

United once again shone this past Saturday in what can only be described as a scrappy victory against a top Salt Spring Island side.

The Islanders, currently second in the VISL standings, fielded a weaker squad than previously seen at the Thriller of Portlock, scene of United's most thrilling game so far this season.

While the neutral would have hoped for a repeat of the earlier match, it was never really going to be a repeat as United have conceded just 1 goal over their past three matches in what can be described as a decent run.

Imperious at the back, the telepathic Mike "Magic Banana" Peters, had a strong game with his finest save coming on the hour mark as he acrobatically stopped Benny "Original Gangsta" Stanchfield from spectacularly scoring the Kristian Provan of OG's. Not only did Peters manage to physically kick a soccer ball on several occasions, but also he attempted several kicks in his mind.  Easy Criss Angel - let's leave the magic to the professionals.

Another fine performance was given at the back by Jer "What Would Stevie Do - WWSD" Roberg who owned the right back spot in the same way Nash owns his new Jeep (i.e. He's making payments).  Roberg made several good runs up the wing in the first half which made problems for the Islanders.

It was 0-0 at the half as neither team was able to take the advantage.

T - Bit of a Short Fuse

In the second half, United looked the more likely to get the 3 points as the Islanders started to look stretched.  Perhaps United's favourite opponent this season, Bald Guy "Heart Condition" Beardy-face was in fine form as he elbowed, shoulder checked, and chest bumped his way through the United midfield.  But midway through the half he bit a bit more off then he could chew as he dropped the shoulder into Troy "Snapshow" Taillefer.

Taillefer, reminiscient of a rampaging "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, played it cool at first by laying injured on the turf.  He even managed a smile before having to be physically restrained by two of his United team mates whn he learned no red card was coming for his opponent.  If that is what it looks like when someone is on angel dust kids, and I think it is, then say no to drugs.

Guess who...

The goal finally came from who else but Chris "You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry" Woodcock.  Special thanks to Nash for the assist and Coach Holla for the motivational words at half.

The game ended 1-0 for United as they look to travel to Nanaimo this weekend and carry on their run of good form.

Man of the Match: Jer Roberg had a fine game
Holla Nash Shower and Date with Nash Kit:  Unprecedented but given to Nash for a battling performance [battling primarily his own fitness but you get the idea].
Moan of the Match: Bald Guy "Heart Condition" Beardy-face did not go into cardiac arrest this game.

United Unbeaten in 2012 as Streak Continues

It may have been the first game back from an extended holiday period, but United extended their unbeaten streak in 2012 to two cancellations and a draw as they faced a fighting Cowichan squad in Ladysmith Friday night.

United, fresh off a cancelled Tuesday night practice, agreed to play on one of the largest turf fields north of the 49th parallel.  It was a cunning plan as both teams were superior fitness specimens.

The match started at a frenetic pace as both teams sought to assert themselves on the game.  Initially, it looked like Cowichan would be stronger over the 90 but United played themselves into the game with strong early performances from Troy "Is Bounty the One With the Coconuts" Taillefer and Ryan "I Always Eat the Red One First" Braun.

At the quarter hour mark, United were boosted by the arrival of the Andre Villas-Boas of the second division, coach Holla.

Holla or Andre???

The bulk of the first half was played in the centre of the park as neither team could find the breakthrough they badly desired and at the half, the scores remained level.

Halftime saw the introduction of long time United Veterans Andrew "How Do YOU Like Your Coffee" Sails and Tim "Big Chunk of Fudge" Yager.  It was only Sails second appearance this season as classes and other commitments had sidelined him in the fall.  Yager, United's very own Christine Sinclair, saw his first official involvement of the term as he returned from Kokomo, which we are assured is a real place.

Both subs had an immediate effect as United pushed Cowichan in defending deep in their own half.  Cowichan themselves soaked up the pressure nicely as they looked to counter attack on the break quite quickly.

In the end, neither team got the goal and the three points.  It was a well deserved point for both teams as neither team dominated the game.

Next up, the rematch of one of United's great games this season as they face the Islanders of Saltspring on Saturday at the Foot.

Man of the Match: Timmy Yags

Holla Nash Award: None indicated

Moan of the Match: While it really is a lovely field, it needs to be at least 8 times smaller.

Goal Scorer's Delight: United 4, Blazers 2

In a game played on the green turf of Braefoot, it was the colour red that dominated proceedings in a VISL Division 2 clash on Saturday between Lakehill United and Gordon Head/Saanich Fusion Blazers.

Along with red being the colour of the home team, it was also the colour of several cards shown to the Blazers in what can only be described as an F-Bomb-a-Poloosa.

United started brightly enough with some strong link-up play between the forwards and the mids.  In only his second start in the middle of the park, Benny "Abreva" Stanchfield stepped in to deputize for the absent Boomer (see previous article).

United were to strike first through Jeff "Soccer is my Special Ta" Lenton and although this reporter was not present to see it, we were assured it was a gooder.

Lenton - quicker than he looks

United's second came a few minutes later as Dillon the Call-Up scored a header after a cross was deflected in the box.  At 2-0 up, United maybe could have been forgiven in thinking that the game was over.  Sadly, they were very wrong.

Artists impression of Dillon the Call-Up

Turns out that the average game of soccer lasts a lot longer than 35 minutes.  The Blazers and their cunning ways took advantage of this "loophole" to mount a bit of a comeback as United assumed the match was done and dusted.

A quickfire brace in the closing moments of the half saw the Blazers draw level and celebrate in fanciful style.  There was no end to the positive and encouraging comments made by the Blazer's scorer towards the United bench in what was a foreshadowing of events to come.

At half, it was 2-2 and United could not help but feel that they were a team on the decline.

United's instructions were simple at the half: get chatty out on the field, start winning the 50/50's, and play more soccery!

Despite the positive chat in the changeroom, it was the Blazers that came out with a bit of spring in their step as they looked more dominant in the centre of the park.  

Mike "Custard Shorts" Peters was busy in goal and Jer "I Give the Impression I Don't Care But I Do" Roberg were tested and came through unscathed.  Bryan "B-Boy" Butcher and Ryan "Shaver" Braun also had steady games as they absorbed the pressure and created a platform that United could attack from.

After 10 minutes of pressure, United had a significant breakthrough when Matt "Hangover Pt 2" Koenig found himself in acres of space on the left.  He finished beautifully and all of a sudden, United looked the most likely to go on and win it.

Koenig - United marksman snipes the third

It was shortly after that the Blazers midfield came completely unglued.  A high challenge from Sam "I Piss Everyone Off" Yager went unnoticed by the ref and the Blazers took exception to it.  The challengee (or challenged) decided that the best way to get noticed by the ref was to use more F-bombs than an NWA concert.

Red card.

Not learning from his teammates discretion's, a second Blazer jumped into a tirade of expletives and promptly found a cold showering beckoning.

Red card.

Apparently Blazers are not the smartest lot as a third Blazer decided the ref might see multiple F-bombs differently a third time around.

Red card.

Have you got any reds?  Go fish...

With 30 minutes left in the game, it was 11 v. 8 as United put it into cruise control.  A fourth goal was put away sweetly by Joe "The Body" Ventura (old gag - still love it) and the game was won.

Ventura: if you squint, it kinda looks like Joey

So United take 3 points in their last game of the calendar year.  A quick glance at the table shows United solidly in the middle of the table at 5th with 17 points and two games at hand on league leaders Castaways (28 points).  Next stop, Powell River in the new year.

Man of the Match: Sam's reckless challenge in the second half all but sealed the 3 points.  Kones also played very well and scored the eventual winner.

Holle-Nash Award: Mani Bains

Moan of the Match: Tie - First - the linesman on the United bench side calling an offside after United actually passed the ball backwards, only to later admit he completely made the wrong call and then let two blatant offsides by United go unpunished.  Second - unnamed United player explaining that a ball to the face cannot hurt your eye despite the fact the United vet Andy Sails had his orbital bone crushed and had longstanding blurry vision and vision problems from just such a mishap.

Seattle was Bonkers! Lions Win the Grey Cup! Oh Yeah, There was Also Some Soccer...

On a weekend that was overshadowed by the exploits of many United members south of the border, it may come as a surprise that there was a match to be played versus Bays at the Foot.

And while United kept a bit of a streak alive by not losing, they were held to yet another 1-1 draw which has become the hallmark of the campaign thus far.

The opponent this game was a Bays team that has not had overly strong results in the division this term.  United themselves looked a bit ragged out on the pitch as perhaps some players had an eye on events predicated after the game, or perhaps the lackadaisical practice schedule was catching  up on them.  You know what they say: "Tis the season to avoid the weather and go to the pub!"

The air was cold at Braefoot on Friday night and United took to the pitch in a 4-3-3 formation.  Bays were set up to pressure the United midfield but United held possession comfortably for most of the match at the back as Benny "Slinky" Stanchfield and Ryan "Twister" Braun settled early and organised well.

In the midfield, Sam "Hungry Hungry Hippo" Yager and Ian "Battleship" Broome were effective at breaking up the Bays attacks while the game itself proved to be a battle of attrition.

The first half was relatively uneventful with United unable to translate strong defence at the back into chances at the front.  Bays, too, had little to write home about but did hit the outside of the woodwork on a rare chance.

The second half saw United make a slight change to their personnel by swapping Mani "Yahtzee" Bains and Broome with hope of more direct running at the Bays back line.  While Broome did a good job of closing the back line, United were still unable to really threaten the Bays goal.

United - might be in trouble when they start relying on this guy...

Ultimately United would get caught on a freak goal as the ball bounced in their area and Bays did well to get a good finish in.

With time still left on the clock, United had a go at Bays and made life more difficult for their opponents.  There were several runs into the Bays box which were unable to find the right finish but eventually the pressure paid off.

Chris "Cabbage Patch" Woodcock (yes that Chris Woodcock) found the ball at his feet after a bit of a scramble in the box and stabbed it home to tie the match.

Woodcock - did you think we would use a different pic?

That's the way the game ended with United unable to find the win and the three points.  The tie was the fifth of the season and leaves United in fifth place with two games at hand.  Next match is this Friday against Gordon Head Blue followed by the Christmas and Festivus party at Butch's place.

Man of the Match:  Tough to remember but I think it was Kielan - he did have a fine game and some pretty nice abs.  Special mention to Joey "The Body" Ventura for making his debut in net and having a great game.

Holle-Nash Pecan-Doodles Award:  Troy "Dukes of Hazzard" Taillefer

Moan of the Match: Another tie....

 

sNOw Game Played in Nanaimo as United Get Postponed!

Due to frigid like conditions and frosty white stuff falling from the sky, the City of Nanaimo declared a Snow Day  today.

The good news for United is that they were able to take the weekend off.  The bad news is that it didn't snow on the Lower Island.  That didn't stop some United members from heading north to enjoy the cold stuff (as seen below).

Many believe incorrectly that JoePa made Scottie wear the pink snow suit...

Good weekend boys, that deserves a good Tebow-ing!

Tosh.O tells it like it is...and then gets carried away...

Enjoy your weekend and we'll see you next week for Bays!

Mystic Master Predicts Thriller in Ganges: United Hotter than a Pistol at Portlock!

In a game that has become an instant classic, United beat second place Salt Spring Island 4-3 in a thriller on Saturday afternoon.

It was an anything but predictable affair, yet somehow United hotshot Troy "Miss Sally" Taillefer foresaw the proceedings before the first ball was kicked; predicting a 4-3 outcome in the afternoon's game.

Taillefer - Must have ESPN

The air was cold and crisp as United took to the field at Portlock Park on Salt Spring Island on Saturday.  There were a few changes as United were missing a few bodies, but overall United were still strong as they lined up against the islanders.

And it didn't take long for United to make the breakthrough as Joey "My Pants are Sweaty" Ventura was viciously taken down in the box with no more than 2 minutes up on the clock.  Jeff "Stitches" Lenton stepped up and slotted home the resulting penalty, despite the keeper getting half a hand to it.

From there, United took control for long periods of the first half with some sumptuous football.  The passing was brilliant and the link-up play between Mani "Shout, Shout, Let it All Out" Bains and Chris "Bananarama" Woodcock was some of the best seen all season.

But against the run of play, midway through the first half, it was the Islanders that leveled.  A mis-timed challenge allowed the Salt Spring forward a half chance on net and he did well to beat Mike "Baby Gerber" Peters in the United net.

At 1-1, United were put under some sustained pressure and at the end of the half, conceded from a corner to allow the Islanders the 2-1 lead heading into the the break.

The message was simple at half from coach Holla: "Take your chances, we're the better team...I like dancing hip-hop and colouring!!!"

Holla's half time talk - the same only different

Despite the dynamite pep talk, United were at sixes and sevens to begin the half and not long after conceded a third in diabolical fashion.

3-1 down, away from home, arctic-like conditions, no Vinnie Smith; United could be forgiven for thinking there was no way back.... but not on this day as 15 boys went to Salt Spring Island on Saturday, and came back men (please, no sheep jokes).

The goal galvanized United.  In what can only be described as a game for the ages, United dug deep and took advantage of a tiring, and in some cases appeared to be having serious chest pains, Salt Spring team.

Lenton lead the charge like a man possessed.  His dangles were so dangly, that even Kim Kardashian would have been jealous... 

Kardashian, pretty dangly earrings

Lenton's partner in the midfield, Sam "Chiu" Yager was commanding and Bains grew in stature as the game progressed.

United played some spellbinding football as they turned the screw on the fading Islanders.  It was Bains who would strike first after seeing an effort deflect straight back to him at the top of the box; he made no mistake on the second effort as he hit a frozen rope into the back of the net.  The goalie stood no chance.

3-2 Game on!!!!

United continued to press as they sensed a point was there for the taking.  They were rewarded for their hard work as Woodcock lasered a second at the near post in the 80th minute.

Woodcock - Happy to be so handsome and back in the goals

With under 10 minutes left though, Lenton fell victim to a nasty challenge.  A collision with a Salt Spring Island  player left Jeff with a nasty gash on his head.  With blood pouring out of his eyebrow, Lenton had to be helped from the field.  Special mention to Joey V. for taking him to the hospital where he received some of that legendary Salt Spring Island craft work in the form of several stitches.

Perhaps it was the crispness of the day, or the flagging of the opposition; or perhaps it was the smell of blood on the field that prompted United to go for it - we may never know.  Under the circumstances, a point would have been a good result.

But United don't do good...

THEY DO RAD TO THE POWER OF SICK!!!!!!

In the dying moments of the game, the day was to be United's.  Woodcock, with some excellent work up front, proved too much for the opposition defence.  A quick move saw him create a little space to shoot but before he could get his shot off, he was pulled to the ground...

PENALTY!!!!!

Was it to be?  Could Taillefer's prediction come true?  Could the circle now be complete?  Who is Nash's father?

Yager came forward and stroked the PK home giving United the 3 points and a well-deserved victory.

And so the vision came true and United could ride home with a beer in their bellies and a grin in their hearts.

Asked what other predictions he had after the match, Taillefer's response was understated: "I predict a game this Friday against the Gorge."  Well played sir, well played.

Man of the Match:  Mani Bains
Honourable mention to Ryan Braun for man-handling his check several times.
Holle-Nash Ruby Red Slippers Award: Jeff Lenton for probably wishing he was at home.
Moan of the Match: Many dudes, single shower.

United Gamble with Cowichan to a 0-0 Draw

On a Saturday at Braefoot, against a team from up-island

United took the field, in a four-four-two

The backline looked solid, the keeper a banana

The mids pinned by Jeffrey Lents, and a guy named “E”

Up front we had the Bibo, whose size was only lessened

By the massive defence, of Cowichan

The game started soundly, and United looked quite strong

Creating chances going forward, with balls of long

The backline was tested, and on occasion they were breached

But the banana was having a decent game, nothing out of his reach

As the first half progressed, the game was finely balanced

Neither team the breakthrough, that would earn three points

And as the half concluded, an errant cross was fisted

The ball was clearly dealt with, along with Boomer’s head

A woozy figure lay there, his job done in this game

He staggered to the showers, not knowing his name

And the halftime talk was:

“You’ve got to know when to hold it

Know when to pass it

Know when to cross the ball

Know when to run

You never dribble the ball

When you’re clearly under pressure

There’ll be time enough for dribbling

When the beer is gone”

Gamble this Kenny!!!!

Now every player knows, the secret to winning

Is scoring more goals, then the other team

Lakehill started brightly, and put their opponents under pressure

But couldn’t get the ball in the net, to win the game

Woodcock was busy, and Mani won the ball a lot

Vinnie tried to beat his man, with his words

Now Yager was quite yelly, Boner was tall and firm

And Joey kept it soccery, when he got in the game

And as the game wound down, United released a weapon

His ball “hand”ling second to none, his hair a hue of green?

Now the game was almost up, but Kones couldn’t change it

A point even – the game drawn, as the sunshine set

So United drew Cowichan, on the 29^th of October

The Year of our Lord, 2011

Dances With Wolves, is Rimek’s favourite movie

I didn’t have enough verses, to finish this song

And the Stanch said:

“You’ve got to know when to hold it

Know when to pass it

Know when to cross the ball

Know when to run

You never dribble the ball

When you’re clearly under pressure

There’ll be time enough for dribbling

When the beer is gone”

Man of the Match: Peters was sensational

Holle-Nash: None awarded meaning it could be a triple shot at the next game!

Moan of the Match: "Boomer it's Saturday and you're playing soccer..." 

Special mention to Smash and Bash Yager for rearranging Rimek's bumper

Castaways 4, Arsenal 2 - United Not Good Enough at RAP*

On a dreary Saturday afternoon, Lakehill United took on top-half division rivals, Castaways F.C.

It what can only be described as an "Arsenal" type display, United proved capable of being both scintillating in attack and ludicrously poor in defence.

Castaways opened the scoring in the fifth minute by capitalizing on poor marking off a set-piece (sound familiar Arsenal fans).  A free kick was floated in from the left wing and the Casty's forward rose to head home unmarked.

Arsenal concede a similar header to Casty's first (1:03 in)

United continued to doze and were nearly punished again for some slack marking.  As the half wore on though, United got firmly into the driving seat and pressured the Castaways back line with some sublime passing moves.  Unfortunately there was just no finish to compliment the tidy attacking play.

United's passing was sublime at times

The half ended at 1-nil for Casty's but Lakehill knew that their chances would come and that they needed to take them when they did.

And come they did as United came out firing on all cylinders in the second half.  It was United who created several good early chances but were simply unable to finish.  Finally, United got an equalizer midway through the half.  

Unfortunately, the tie game was short lived as United conceded a second in dubious fashion after they had  chances to clear the ball out of their own area.

United, though, continued to attack and were rewarded once again with a goal in what was turning into a thriller for all the wrong reasons.

Unfortunately, that was as close as they would come to any points as not once, but twice, Castaways punished some weak defending and went on to win the game.

United will be hoping for more this weekend as they entertain Cowichan at the Foot.

Man of the Match: N/A

Holle-Nash Award: N/A

Moan of the Match: There were at least 4 of them, lost count offensively. 

*No United players or coaches will be mentioned in this report to protect their identities.

Honours Even as United Fail to Beat Villa at Home

In just their second home game of the season, Lakehill failed to take the full three points from a young Powell River Villa.

 

United, reeling from their first defeat of the season in week 5, fielded a squad which saw full debuts handed to both Jer “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butta” Roberg and Brian “My Other Leg is a Weiner” Nash.  Despite the changes though, United were quickly on the back foot as Villa pressured the ball early and often.

 

Feeling the pressure, the United defence, led by Benny “Motorboat” Stanchfield, were quick to settle and organize.

 

It was Villa who had the first chance as their striker got in behind the United defence on a rare occasion.  Nash was quick to come across with a neat challenge in the box and the ref rightly waved away the protests for a penalty from Villa.  The striker eventually revived himself after pretending to be dead for several heart-pounding moments.

 

Still later it was Nash again at the centre of controversy as he challenged well at the top of the box.  Despite winning the ball, and not showing his studs, he received a yellow from the ref who, this time, got it wrong.  Fortunately for United, the resulting free kick was not converted but it was to little avail as Villa were on the verge of a breakthrough.

 

A long ball was floated from the left into the far post.  Mike “Baby Face” Peters came out of the goal to challenge but was unable to fully claim and in the resulting scramble, it was Nash who was penalized for a strong challenge.  Villa converted the penalty in what was their first significant chance on goal.

 Villa - not the only one to score on Peters...

As the half wore on, there were a few chances for United as they went to a long ball tactic to try and generate some synergy.  Overall though, United were poor and failed to create the cutting edge passing game that is their trademark.

 

Fortunately, the second half was much better as United made a couple changes to both personnel and formation.  Going forward there were more options and as the game progressed, it looked likely that United would equalize.  

 

Bryan “Hoof Hearted” Butcher was unlucky not to score after some desperate defending in the box and Mani “Disco Isn’t Dead” Bains could not connect unto a cross that squirted out to the back post.

 

United eventually got their equalizer with about ten minutes left.  Villa were starting to give away fouls as their fitness and work rate waned and it was just such an opportunity that presented itself to Motorboat Stanchfield.  A foul at the top of the box allowed Stanchfield to bend it around the wall and into the back of the net.

 

The game was not over yet though and United survived one last onslaught from Villa with some fine work from Peters in goal.  In the end United were unlucky not to win and will be looking for the full three points this Saturday at Royal Athletic Park.

 

Man of the Match – Mike Peters

Holle-Nash Award – Jer “I Caught Crabs” Roberg 

Moan of the Match sponsored by Clearly Lasik – Rhymes with “BUS”

United Lose in a Blaze of Glory! Points Dropped at Tyndall!

United lost their first game of the season at what is turning out to be a nemesis of a field at Tyndall Park.  For the second straight week, United played a Gordon Head squad at Tyndall Park and for a second straight week, failed to pick up 3 points.

In what looked like a pivotal game for potential league leaders, United came up against the Gordon Head Blazers - a team far more serious than their name entails.  Our editor at LakehillUnited.Blogspot suggested the Gordon Head Tuxedo Tops or even the Gordon Head Sports Coats as being more descriptive names.  Perhaps even the Saanich Fusion Smoking Jackets?

Now that we've clearly milked that gag for all it is worth, on to the action.

VAN DAMME - Coors Light Commercial HD [2011] -... by mikropikol

Van Damme would have beat the Tuxedo Tops (got another copy - woohoo)

Lakehill started the game brightly with strong passing play by Ian "Dizzy Fart" Broome and Jeff "Mop Fart" Lenton in the centre of the park.  Despite the strong passing game, Gordon Head managed to put pressure on the United back line, who were slow to organize.

As the first half wore on, it became clear that this was gong to be a battle as both teams enjoyed possession.  Matt "Little Fart" Koenig went close for United while the Blazers themselves hit the crossbar and looked dangerous at set pieces.

At half, United made a couple of changes and it seemed to galvanize them into action.  Kielan "Angel Fart" Hrasky got taken down a couple of times for being unfit while Jer "Dog Fart" Roberg looked lively on the wing.  Bryan "Sex Fart" Butcher had good success dropping the ball into the back post but was unable to find the United front two of Graeme "Fire Fart" Mann and Chris "Cough Fart" Woodcock.

As the half progressed, United looked the most likely to go on and win it but unfortunately, the soccer gods were not smiling on them.  With just over 5 minutes left in the game, a physical challenge by Ryan "Doesn't Fart" Braun saw him handle in the area and the penalty was given.

It was a clear PK and there could be no complaints from United.  Blazers struck it home and despite some last minute tactical changes by coach Holla, United lost their first game of the season.

Next week, it's Powell River on Saturday at 4:00 pm.

Man of the Match:  Benny "Drunk Fart" Stanchfield
Holle-Nash Award: Brett "El Diablo Azul Lucho Libre Fart" Poulis had a fine performance.  He also loves Jann Arden.  We know there are pictures out there - send them to Holla for posting.
Moan of the Match:  There were several on the Blazers.

United Sing the Blues After Dropping Points at Tyndall! PLUS: The Squeegee Bandit!

Lakehill United dropped their first points of the season after a road draw with Gordon Head Blues at Tyndall Friday night.

United, who were without coaches Holla and Butch - as well as several of their first team, went to Tyndall in search of their third successive win in the VISL Division 2.  Unfortunately a 1-1 draw was all they could muster, while still maintaining their unbeaten start to the season.

The match started at a frenetic pace as Gordon Head pressed United all over the park.  The Blues were without any points thus far, and had six call-ups for the match.  And it looked like the youthful exuberance of the call-ups caused United difficulties.

United did attempt to play the ball on the turf however the pressing game of the Blues halted any type of tempo from being established.  United center mids Jeff "Pizzaz" Lenton and Mani "Not Actually Currency" Bains were kept busy as every ounce of fitness was squeezed out of them by the fit Blues call-ups.

Mid-way through the first half, some United personnel were duped into believing that Coach Holla was present at the field after some excellent trash talking from a nearby bush.  The truth of those calls may never be revealed.

United got their goal through Bains as he shot hard from an acute angle to punish Gordon Head for some sloppy defending.

Bains....Mani Bains - License to Score

It wasn't to be United's evening though as the Blues equalized.  

Late on, Bibo "Gay Apple Junior" Bissendon had an excellent chance to score the winner when the Blues' keeper gifted him the ball about 20 yards out.  Bibo unfortunately could not take the chance with the open net staring him down and in the end, a tie seemed a fair result.

In other scores, Blazers were beat 4-1 by Gorge keeping the top of the league within touching distance.

Next week, there is another visit to Tyndall as United take on Gordon Head Blazers.

Man of the Match: Ryan Braun

Holle- Nash Award: Dillon received the Colt 45 while Kones transformed into the Squeegee Bandit!

Moan of the Match: No Holla

The Squeegee Bandit!

And finally one last item to round out your weekend....YARGH!!!! - Sound up, 12th second...

Reference here:  Holla mentioned on Arseblog [Bottom]