Derbies, Goals, Scoring, and Sisters! United Go Top in the Battle of Braefoot!

BLAM!

Three played; seven points; zero goals conceded; and -1 Nashes this season – you do the math.

United went top of the table on Friday in the first Lakehill Derby of the year via the VISL Division 2’s goal scoring sensation, Matt Koenig!

Koenig, who was in the mood on the night, latched onto former VISL Division 2 Golden Boot Winner, Chris Woodcock’s through ball to calmly slot home the only goal of the game.

Koenig had clearly come to win at soccer after earlier emailing the team:

“Good news. I just found out my exes brother plays for the other div 2 team for lakehill so if they start being douchebags set me up as his check and I can talk about plowing his sister.”

Drunk 2 - Joint Top Scorer in Div 2

The game was cagey in the opening minutes as neither team looked like they wanted to risk getting opened up for a first goal.  Mike "Banana Skin" Peters had little to do in the first half as United conceded territory in an effort to not allow a very quick Reds team in behind the back line   

Tim "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" Yager was United's hardest worker in the first half as he covered a lot of ground through his energetic displays.  In fact, Yager allowed the United team to settle and go on and score through Koenig.

Again United's back line were comfortable through the half with not much to complain about at the half.  Mike "Battlestar Galactica is Not My Favourite Show" Medeiros enjoyed his first start to the season and was regularly seen not maurauding down the left flank.  He couldn't be beaten though as he used his body well to keep the Reds off the ball.

So 1-0 at the half and a few changes were made with new boys Brian "Chode's Are For Losers" Mitchell and Dillon "Prison Shiv" Walker getting in against their former u21 club mates. Another man who got in to the match was Kielan "Lil" Hrasky who rode a few challenges in the centre of the park.

LakehillUnited.Blogspot's recreation of Key getting stuck in

As the half progressed, there wasn't much action either way as United remained comfortable defending deep and the Reds attempted to find a way through them.  A weak yellow card for Timmy Yager for a decent challenge and a brief melee by some guy claiming to be crazy were the only remotely significant talking points in the second half.

The game ended at 1-bagel for United who went top of the league with the result and Peters claimed a third shut-out this season.  Sam "I'd bet on Getting Hit in the Cock" Yager bought a round of beer for the United team compliments of Gene Belliveau.  For their part, United look to take their high flying start to Tyndall this week to play the Fusion (sounds exciting).

Man of the Match: Can't remember
Holle-Nash Award (Authentic Alan T-Shirt): Boomer
Moan of the Match: Timmy's yellow

Luminous Illuminator in Attendance as United Claim 3 Points to go Joint Top of Table at Tyndall

Another away kickoff saw United face familiar foes Gordon Head Blazers at Tyndall Park on Saturday evening.

The night was a dark one and not enhanced in any way by the dim mood-lighting in Gordon Head. United though, had a secret weapon up their sleeve in the form of BBQ-sauce guzzling, neon shirt wearing, metro-sexual Nash; who joined United on the bench and lit up the proceedings while proceeding to get lit up.

This...but in neon....

Competition for starting spots saw United start strong, playing their own brand of possession football. Blazers, to their credit, did find room in the middle of the park and as the first half wore on, gained chances through United turnovers.

Overall, United were comfortable in the opening exchanges with Mike “My Shirt Pales in Comparison to Nash’s” Peters making some confident catches. Even better were his kicks as he smashed the ball consistently 70+ yards, much to the confusion of the United front men.

As Peters found form, so too did Sam “Neon Isn’t a Colour Nash” Yager and Ian “Glowing Isn’t a Colour Nash” Broome as their work in the centre of the park broke up the Blazer’s offence. Jer “I May Be a Star, But I’m Not as Bright as Nash” Roberg found some joy also in his forays up the field to join in the attack; with one fine shot drifting just wide of the goal.

The middle of the half could be called cagey, as turnovers from United lead to unneeded pressure on their backline. But just as these turnovers looked to be the death of them, United managed a goal, which changed the dynamic of the game permanently. Front man Tim “Highlighter Might be a Colour Nash” Yager earned a penalty through some hard work and positive running. In fact Yager had a terrific game throughout with much of the United attack being channeled through him.

Jeff “Why is Everyone Talking About Nash” Lenton stepped up and firmly struck the PK past the Blazer keeper to score United’s first of the season. The goal had a calming effect on United as they saw out the half quite comfortably.

Awww, you got to love Facebook

There were plenty of positives from the first half and United knew that if they could reduce the turnovers, the 3 points were there to be had.

The second half saw the introduction of Bibo “More Bright Yellow Ferrari Than Bright Yellow Punch-Buggy” Bissendon and Dillon “Don’t Call Me Yellow or I’ll Stab You” Walker; the former taking some time to settle after having to defend some mazy runs while wearing Holla’s shorts. Editor – please clean the poop stains before returning to Holla. Speaking of poop, Walker himself had to be withdrawn quite quickly in order to participate with Rimek in a game of “Where’s my Poo??!!!???” We here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot hope you are feeling better.

But enough of the potty talk.

United, with the deeper bench, were the stronger side in the second half and despite a couple gilt-edged chances for the Blazers, got their second midway through the half via some hard work by Chris “Insert Nash Joke Here” Woodcock. The Cockle was able to draw the Blazers to him with a fine run before squaring the ball to a marauding Matt “Who’s Nash” Konig. Konig still had it all to do as so many times, chances like this are screwed past the post. He did well to keep the ball low and fired it neatly past the GH keeper.

At 2-nil up, the game was effectively over as United saw out the remaining Blazer threat to get their first win of the new season and go joint top of the table.

This week, United face the Reds of Lakehill in the first derby match of the season at the Foot on Friday night.

Man of the Match: Lenton Nash

Holle-Nash Award: Jer Nash

Moan of the Match: Ball to the Nads Nash

Hurting at Hampton! New Season Tilt Ends in Disappointing Draw

Gorge the opponent and Hampton the venue for Lakehill United’s season opener of the 2012-13 season.

Our new look United squad fresh from a summer of pole dancing, dwarf tossing, and general debauchery took to the field in the lily white away kit on a mild evening off Burnside. Coach Holla was able to welcome five new players to the squad for the season, two of whom got the nod to start.

Indeed it was the fresh faces of Scottie “Too Hottie” Rimek and Dillon “The Call-Up” Walker in the forward triumvirate with the former manager putting in a strong first half performance. Unfortunately Scottie’s game was cut short by a Kobra Kai Sweep the Legs moment in the latter parts of the opening half. Our sources can confirm that Scottie has no lasting effects from the challenge aside from the normal hands that smell like dog balls and a piercing gaze.

Kobra Kai  Gorge get ready to sweep Scottie's legs

Walker too looked good early; his darting runs causing confusion amongst friend and foe alike as United attempted to settle early. In fact it was United who looked better in the opening exchanges as it looked like Gorge had a totally new team fielded in this Division 2 of the VISL.

Other United standouts in the first half were the backline of Sammy “I Make Fun of People with MD” Yager, Benny “I Date Chicks from Calgary” Stanchfield, Bibo “Gay Apple Junior” Juicebox, and Jer “Asymmetrical Ears” Roberg. The boys at the back were rarely troubled and were able to launch counterattacks via Roberg and Bibo.

Unfortunately for United, their game play was the equivalent of Holla’s sex life – glorious to behold while it lasts, but ultimately unable to last long enough to please anyone. Moderate heat combined with stunning fitness meant that the game was ultimately 64 minutes too long.

By halftime, many United players were shorter of breath than an asthmatic in a fart war; and had the sweat stains to match.

The second half saw United ring in some changes by replacing the front three after some hard work in the early stages of the game.  Coach Holla moved Bibo up front to play as the Unicorn foil in what can only be described as the fantasy formation.  The big man did well but eventually relented to the heat and had to be replaced.  On getting to the bench, he was overheard stating that he "is no longer a Ferrari..."  More like a punch buggy, Beebs.

Gorge came into the game in the second half as United flagged, but despite some threatening moments, never breached the United goal thanks to some super work by Mike "Banananananananananannana" Peters.  

This guy was Man of the Match.  Oh - And RvP is an idiot....

Second half highlights also included a sublime one-two passing play between new boy Brian "How About I Play Pass With Your Face" Mitchell and his check's face, a beautifully executed unicycle kick by Mike "Mary Lou Retton" Medeiros, and a well earned yellow card by an industrious Timmy "I Owned a Store in Chicago" Yager.

At the end of the day, no team got the go ahead goal and had to settle for a point a piece.  Next week's action sees United at Gordon Head for a much anticipated match against the Blazers.

Man of the Match: Mike Peters for one pretty special save - he knows which one. swoon

Holla-Nash Award: Tim Yager for a tough guy performance

Moan of the Match: 90 minutes is too long for a match

Twas The Night Before Season

Twas the night before season, when all through the Foot
Not a player was boozing, not even a Butch;
The jerseys were hung, in the change room with care,
In front of the mirror, Al Reid worked on his stare;

My hand was all nestled below the waistband,
In hopes of some me time while watching Roseanne;
And Benny and Jer at Beerfest to tap,
By game time tomorrow all set for a nap;

When out on my lawn there arose such a clatter,
A beer drinking Bibo looking absolutely shattered;
"Hey Holla I'm here, to drink rye with you"
"Sorry big man, I'm resting, you should too";

The moon in the sky shone like a steel drum,
Reminded me of Sam and the game of Who's Bum;
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a half-naked Rimek, having sex with a deer;

"On Dancers, on Vixens, on couches I've been,
And none quite as arousing as you my antler'd queen;
To finish this off I've got quite an act,
Shapes and Movements! Cheeseburger Picnic! Check your sources, its a Fact!

Erm...Old fashioned Christmas?

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
Tim Yager, Medeiros, and Koenig the goof;
"Hey what the f$%* are you doing on my dwelling?"
"Kones hurt his weiner, you got something for the swelling?"

I sorted them out with a bit of good cheer,
Then back in my house for some pretzels and beer;
As surely as sh** a party begun,
The fellas above, were joined by Lenton;

With music and dancing Doc Poulis appeared,
followed shortly by Boomer, and Key with a beard;
The Cockle and Bones, and new guys came after,
Dillon the call-up and Peters arrived to some laughter;

When promptly at midnight a hush on the crowd,
All stemmed from a baseline outside quite loud;
We spilled from the house to check on the racket,
To find someone outside in a big puffy jacket;

Who could it be on new season's eve,
Who could it be, what's up their sleeve;
"IT'S SUPER SUB NASH" oh what a ham,
Giving gifts of hard candy, long hugs, and Pearl Jam;

The stage was set, the morning grew near,
New season's eve was over, fueled by Rockstar and beer;
The fellas all home went for a rest,
At Hampton at 6, we start on our quest.