Our new look United squad fresh from a summer of pole dancing, dwarf tossing, and general debauchery took to the field in the lily white away kit on a mild evening off Burnside. Coach Holla was able to welcome five new players to the squad for the season, two of whom got the nod to start.
Indeed it was the fresh faces of Scottie “Too Hottie” Rimek and Dillon “The Call-Up” Walker in the forward triumvirate with the former manager putting in a strong first half performance. Unfortunately Scottie’s game was cut short by a Kobra Kai Sweep the Legs moment in the latter parts of the opening half. Our sources can confirm that Scottie has no lasting effects from the challenge aside from the normal hands that smell like dog balls and a piercing gaze.
Walker too looked good early; his darting runs causing confusion amongst friend and foe alike as United attempted to settle early. In fact it was United who looked better in the opening exchanges as it looked like Gorge had a totally new team fielded in this Division 2 of the VISL.
Other United standouts in the first half were the backline of Sammy “I Make Fun of People with MD” Yager, Benny “I Date Chicks from Calgary” Stanchfield, Bibo “Gay Apple Junior” Juicebox, and Jer “Asymmetrical Ears” Roberg. The boys at the back were rarely troubled and were able to launch counterattacks via Roberg and Bibo.
Unfortunately for United, their game play was the equivalent of Holla’s sex life – glorious to behold while it lasts, but ultimately unable to last long enough to please anyone. Moderate heat combined with stunning fitness meant that the game was ultimately 64 minutes too long.
By halftime, many United players were shorter of breath than an asthmatic in a fart war; and had the sweat stains to match.
The second half saw United ring in some changes by replacing the front three after some hard work in the early stages of the game. Coach Holla moved Bibo up front to play as the Unicorn foil in what can only be described as the fantasy formation. The big man did well but eventually relented to the heat and had to be replaced. On getting to the bench, he was overheard stating that he "is no longer a Ferrari..." More like a punch buggy, Beebs.
Gorge came into the game in the second half as United flagged, but despite some threatening moments, never breached the United goal thanks to some super work by Mike "Banananananananananannana" Peters.
This guy was Man of the Match. Oh - And RvP is an idiot....
Second half highlights also included a sublime one-two passing play between new boy Brian "How About I Play Pass With Your Face" Mitchell and his check's face, a beautifully executed unicycle kick by Mike "Mary Lou Retton" Medeiros, and a well earned yellow card by an industrious Timmy "I Owned a Store in Chicago" Yager.
At the end of the day, no team got the go ahead goal and had to settle for a point a piece. Next week's action sees United at Gordon Head for a much anticipated match against the Blazers.
Man of the Match: Mike Peters for one pretty special save - he knows which one. swoon
Holla-Nash Award: Tim Yager for a tough guy performance
Moan of the Match: 90 minutes is too long for a match
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