Goal Scorer's Delight: United 4, Blazers 2

In a game played on the green turf of Braefoot, it was the colour red that dominated proceedings in a VISL Division 2 clash on Saturday between Lakehill United and Gordon Head/Saanich Fusion Blazers.

Along with red being the colour of the home team, it was also the colour of several cards shown to the Blazers in what can only be described as an F-Bomb-a-Poloosa.

United started brightly enough with some strong link-up play between the forwards and the mids.  In only his second start in the middle of the park, Benny "Abreva" Stanchfield stepped in to deputize for the absent Boomer (see previous article).

United were to strike first through Jeff "Soccer is my Special Ta" Lenton and although this reporter was not present to see it, we were assured it was a gooder.

Lenton - quicker than he looks

United's second came a few minutes later as Dillon the Call-Up scored a header after a cross was deflected in the box.  At 2-0 up, United maybe could have been forgiven in thinking that the game was over.  Sadly, they were very wrong.

Artists impression of Dillon the Call-Up

Turns out that the average game of soccer lasts a lot longer than 35 minutes.  The Blazers and their cunning ways took advantage of this "loophole" to mount a bit of a comeback as United assumed the match was done and dusted.

A quickfire brace in the closing moments of the half saw the Blazers draw level and celebrate in fanciful style.  There was no end to the positive and encouraging comments made by the Blazer's scorer towards the United bench in what was a foreshadowing of events to come.

At half, it was 2-2 and United could not help but feel that they were a team on the decline.

United's instructions were simple at the half: get chatty out on the field, start winning the 50/50's, and play more soccery!

Despite the positive chat in the changeroom, it was the Blazers that came out with a bit of spring in their step as they looked more dominant in the centre of the park.  

Mike "Custard Shorts" Peters was busy in goal and Jer "I Give the Impression I Don't Care But I Do" Roberg were tested and came through unscathed.  Bryan "B-Boy" Butcher and Ryan "Shaver" Braun also had steady games as they absorbed the pressure and created a platform that United could attack from.

After 10 minutes of pressure, United had a significant breakthrough when Matt "Hangover Pt 2" Koenig found himself in acres of space on the left.  He finished beautifully and all of a sudden, United looked the most likely to go on and win it.

Koenig - United marksman snipes the third

It was shortly after that the Blazers midfield came completely unglued.  A high challenge from Sam "I Piss Everyone Off" Yager went unnoticed by the ref and the Blazers took exception to it.  The challengee (or challenged) decided that the best way to get noticed by the ref was to use more F-bombs than an NWA concert.

Red card.

Not learning from his teammates discretion's, a second Blazer jumped into a tirade of expletives and promptly found a cold showering beckoning.

Red card.

Apparently Blazers are not the smartest lot as a third Blazer decided the ref might see multiple F-bombs differently a third time around.

Red card.

Have you got any reds?  Go fish...

With 30 minutes left in the game, it was 11 v. 8 as United put it into cruise control.  A fourth goal was put away sweetly by Joe "The Body" Ventura (old gag - still love it) and the game was won.

Ventura: if you squint, it kinda looks like Joey

So United take 3 points in their last game of the calendar year.  A quick glance at the table shows United solidly in the middle of the table at 5th with 17 points and two games at hand on league leaders Castaways (28 points).  Next stop, Powell River in the new year.

Man of the Match: Sam's reckless challenge in the second half all but sealed the 3 points.  Kones also played very well and scored the eventual winner.

Holle-Nash Award: Mani Bains

Moan of the Match: Tie - First - the linesman on the United bench side calling an offside after United actually passed the ball backwards, only to later admit he completely made the wrong call and then let two blatant offsides by United go unpunished.  Second - unnamed United player explaining that a ball to the face cannot hurt your eye despite the fact the United vet Andy Sails had his orbital bone crushed and had longstanding blurry vision and vision problems from just such a mishap.

Happy Belated Birthday Boomer!

For those of you who missed it, United midfielder and all around nice guy, Ian "Boomer" Broome celebrated his 25th birthday on Wednesday.

Pretty sure the Birthday boy was drunk...

The United players and coaching staff were all invited to a secret surprise Birthday Party to celebrate the occasion on Saturday night and LakehillUnited.Blogspot was honoured to receive an invitation.

There were lot's of A-Listers at the party including coaches Holla and Stanch and manager Rimek who wore his best sandals.  Also present were United players Nash, Yager, and Kielan along with The Social Network's, Jesse Eisenberg and Mythbusters, Grant Imahara.  

 Eisenberg...getting social

Imahara...plausible

Unfortunately the Birthday boy got a little tipsy and despite the best efforts of Nash to resuscitate, missed out on some of the best activities.

OMG...This actually happened...

LakehillUnited.Blogspot did verify via Twitter this morning that Boomer was ok and would like to thank our hostess for the evening, Jenny.

Happy Birthday Boomer!

What's Going on There!!?? Inside the Player's Minds - Coach Holla

In the continuing series here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot, we endeavor to bring you inside the minds of some of our United players this year.

Either through picture, video, or spoken word, we'll gather the intel on your favourite United players (and perhaps staff) and present it to you - right here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot.

Today, we bring you not one, but two clips from United coach Holla.  Holla enjoyed these videos so much he could not help but share.  Enjoy...

Not right...

If only Holla  had this power during games...

We hope you have enjoyed this edition of What's Going on There???  Stay tuned for more articles in the next few days.

Recap of Seattle and Another Round of Who's Bum!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What's Going on There!!?? Inside the Player's Minds - Vinnie Smith

In the continuing series here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot, we endeavor to bring you inside the minds of some of our United players this year.

Either through picture, video, or spoken word, we'll gather the intel on your favourite United players (and perhaps staff) and present it to you - right here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot.

Today, we bring you the following clip from United midfielder, Vinnie Smith.  Smith, whose real name is not Smith, directed us to the following video clip.  It should be noted that he was unsure if it was funny....

Not sure what to make of this submission.

We hope you enjoyed this clip and stay tuned for more What's Going on There!!??

Movember Ends! Time for the World Premiere of the Movember MOvie

Despite crap production value and spending all of 15 minutes creating it, we here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot are pleased to bring you the world premiere of Holla's Movember MOvie: Movember 2011: The Story of a Mo.

Enjoy....and if you don't please don't tell us.

Dang I'm handsome....Holla out!

Seattle was Bonkers! Lions Win the Grey Cup! Oh Yeah, There was Also Some Soccer...

On a weekend that was overshadowed by the exploits of many United members south of the border, it may come as a surprise that there was a match to be played versus Bays at the Foot.

And while United kept a bit of a streak alive by not losing, they were held to yet another 1-1 draw which has become the hallmark of the campaign thus far.

The opponent this game was a Bays team that has not had overly strong results in the division this term.  United themselves looked a bit ragged out on the pitch as perhaps some players had an eye on events predicated after the game, or perhaps the lackadaisical practice schedule was catching  up on them.  You know what they say: "Tis the season to avoid the weather and go to the pub!"

The air was cold at Braefoot on Friday night and United took to the pitch in a 4-3-3 formation.  Bays were set up to pressure the United midfield but United held possession comfortably for most of the match at the back as Benny "Slinky" Stanchfield and Ryan "Twister" Braun settled early and organised well.

In the midfield, Sam "Hungry Hungry Hippo" Yager and Ian "Battleship" Broome were effective at breaking up the Bays attacks while the game itself proved to be a battle of attrition.

The first half was relatively uneventful with United unable to translate strong defence at the back into chances at the front.  Bays, too, had little to write home about but did hit the outside of the woodwork on a rare chance.

The second half saw United make a slight change to their personnel by swapping Mani "Yahtzee" Bains and Broome with hope of more direct running at the Bays back line.  While Broome did a good job of closing the back line, United were still unable to really threaten the Bays goal.

United - might be in trouble when they start relying on this guy...

Ultimately United would get caught on a freak goal as the ball bounced in their area and Bays did well to get a good finish in.

With time still left on the clock, United had a go at Bays and made life more difficult for their opponents.  There were several runs into the Bays box which were unable to find the right finish but eventually the pressure paid off.

Chris "Cabbage Patch" Woodcock (yes that Chris Woodcock) found the ball at his feet after a bit of a scramble in the box and stabbed it home to tie the match.

Woodcock - did you think we would use a different pic?

That's the way the game ended with United unable to find the win and the three points.  The tie was the fifth of the season and leaves United in fifth place with two games at hand.  Next match is this Friday against Gordon Head Blue followed by the Christmas and Festivus party at Butch's place.

Man of the Match:  Tough to remember but I think it was Kielan - he did have a fine game and some pretty nice abs.  Special mention to Joey "The Body" Ventura for making his debut in net and having a great game.

Holle-Nash Pecan-Doodles Award:  Troy "Dukes of Hazzard" Taillefer

Moan of the Match: Another tie....

 

What's Going on There!!?? Inside the Player's Minds - Troy Taillefer

In the continuing series here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot, we endeavor to bring you inside the minds of some of our United players this year.

Either through picture, video, or spoken word, we'll gather the intel on your favourite United players (and perhaps staff) and present it to you - right here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot.

Today, we bring you the following clip from United defender Troy Taillefer.  Taillefer, and avid lawyer and collector of artifacts is perhaps best known for his mystic powers.

But today, he decided to introduce us all to the Guy on the Buffalo...

Guy on a Buffalo - part 1

Now normally we would just leave it by posting the requested submission but this video is so good, we decided to link the rest of the series.  Enjoy and stay tuned for more What's Going on There!!??

A Very Late Congratulations to Lakehill United's Newest Member!!!!

LakehillUnited.Blogspot would like to congratulate Vinnie and Saija Poldrugova [Smith]  on the birth of their son, Kaeden.

Congrats Vinnie, you're no longer the shortest in the family.

Baby Kaeden arrived on the morning of November 9th to a very proud mom and pops.  It's only a matter of time now before you have to deal with this:

Action starts in the 40th second...

sNOw Game Played in Nanaimo as United Get Postponed!

Due to frigid like conditions and frosty white stuff falling from the sky, the City of Nanaimo declared a Snow Day  today.

The good news for United is that they were able to take the weekend off.  The bad news is that it didn't snow on the Lower Island.  That didn't stop some United members from heading north to enjoy the cold stuff (as seen below).

Many believe incorrectly that JoePa made Scottie wear the pink snow suit...

Good weekend boys, that deserves a good Tebow-ing!

Tosh.O tells it like it is...and then gets carried away...

Enjoy your weekend and we'll see you next week for Bays!

Beer Master - Victoria Draught Champion Coaching For United!

In what can only be described as stagnant material, Coach Holla was semi-recently crowned the Stella Artois Draught Master Champion of the Monkey Tree!

The premise was simple: pour a Stella Artois according to the 9 steps of pouring draught Stella.  The best pour wins a trip to Vancouver and a chance to become the Canadian Draught Master!

The Nine Steps - As they are supposed to be done.

Holla naturally won the competition but waived the right to go to Vancouver citing "free beer" as the reason for entering in the contest in the first place.

The winning performance

Fortunately for readers of LakehillUnited.Blogspot, the winning performance was captured on video by budding amateur cinematographer, Chris "I'll Film Anything But Porn" Woodcock.

In parting, Holla would like to share the following wisdom: "Enjoy your beer and may all your measurements be two-fingered ones!"

Mystic Master Predicts Thriller in Ganges: United Hotter than a Pistol at Portlock!

In a game that has become an instant classic, United beat second place Salt Spring Island 4-3 in a thriller on Saturday afternoon.

It was an anything but predictable affair, yet somehow United hotshot Troy "Miss Sally" Taillefer foresaw the proceedings before the first ball was kicked; predicting a 4-3 outcome in the afternoon's game.

Taillefer - Must have ESPN

The air was cold and crisp as United took to the field at Portlock Park on Salt Spring Island on Saturday.  There were a few changes as United were missing a few bodies, but overall United were still strong as they lined up against the islanders.

And it didn't take long for United to make the breakthrough as Joey "My Pants are Sweaty" Ventura was viciously taken down in the box with no more than 2 minutes up on the clock.  Jeff "Stitches" Lenton stepped up and slotted home the resulting penalty, despite the keeper getting half a hand to it.

From there, United took control for long periods of the first half with some sumptuous football.  The passing was brilliant and the link-up play between Mani "Shout, Shout, Let it All Out" Bains and Chris "Bananarama" Woodcock was some of the best seen all season.

But against the run of play, midway through the first half, it was the Islanders that leveled.  A mis-timed challenge allowed the Salt Spring forward a half chance on net and he did well to beat Mike "Baby Gerber" Peters in the United net.

At 1-1, United were put under some sustained pressure and at the end of the half, conceded from a corner to allow the Islanders the 2-1 lead heading into the the break.

The message was simple at half from coach Holla: "Take your chances, we're the better team...I like dancing hip-hop and colouring!!!"

Holla's half time talk - the same only different

Despite the dynamite pep talk, United were at sixes and sevens to begin the half and not long after conceded a third in diabolical fashion.

3-1 down, away from home, arctic-like conditions, no Vinnie Smith; United could be forgiven for thinking there was no way back.... but not on this day as 15 boys went to Salt Spring Island on Saturday, and came back men (please, no sheep jokes).

The goal galvanized United.  In what can only be described as a game for the ages, United dug deep and took advantage of a tiring, and in some cases appeared to be having serious chest pains, Salt Spring team.

Lenton lead the charge like a man possessed.  His dangles were so dangly, that even Kim Kardashian would have been jealous... 

Kardashian, pretty dangly earrings

Lenton's partner in the midfield, Sam "Chiu" Yager was commanding and Bains grew in stature as the game progressed.

United played some spellbinding football as they turned the screw on the fading Islanders.  It was Bains who would strike first after seeing an effort deflect straight back to him at the top of the box; he made no mistake on the second effort as he hit a frozen rope into the back of the net.  The goalie stood no chance.

3-2 Game on!!!!

United continued to press as they sensed a point was there for the taking.  They were rewarded for their hard work as Woodcock lasered a second at the near post in the 80th minute.

Woodcock - Happy to be so handsome and back in the goals

With under 10 minutes left though, Lenton fell victim to a nasty challenge.  A collision with a Salt Spring Island  player left Jeff with a nasty gash on his head.  With blood pouring out of his eyebrow, Lenton had to be helped from the field.  Special mention to Joey V. for taking him to the hospital where he received some of that legendary Salt Spring Island craft work in the form of several stitches.

Perhaps it was the crispness of the day, or the flagging of the opposition; or perhaps it was the smell of blood on the field that prompted United to go for it - we may never know.  Under the circumstances, a point would have been a good result.

But United don't do good...

THEY DO RAD TO THE POWER OF SICK!!!!!!

In the dying moments of the game, the day was to be United's.  Woodcock, with some excellent work up front, proved too much for the opposition defence.  A quick move saw him create a little space to shoot but before he could get his shot off, he was pulled to the ground...

PENALTY!!!!!

Was it to be?  Could Taillefer's prediction come true?  Could the circle now be complete?  Who is Nash's father?

Yager came forward and stroked the PK home giving United the 3 points and a well-deserved victory.

And so the vision came true and United could ride home with a beer in their bellies and a grin in their hearts.

Asked what other predictions he had after the match, Taillefer's response was understated: "I predict a game this Friday against the Gorge."  Well played sir, well played.

Man of the Match:  Mani Bains
Honourable mention to Ryan Braun for man-handling his check several times.
Holle-Nash Ruby Red Slippers Award: Jeff Lenton for probably wishing he was at home.
Moan of the Match: Many dudes, single shower.

United Gamble with Cowichan to a 0-0 Draw

On a Saturday at Braefoot, against a team from up-island

United took the field, in a four-four-two

The backline looked solid, the keeper a banana

The mids pinned by Jeffrey Lents, and a guy named “E”

Up front we had the Bibo, whose size was only lessened

By the massive defence, of Cowichan

The game started soundly, and United looked quite strong

Creating chances going forward, with balls of long

The backline was tested, and on occasion they were breached

But the banana was having a decent game, nothing out of his reach

As the first half progressed, the game was finely balanced

Neither team the breakthrough, that would earn three points

And as the half concluded, an errant cross was fisted

The ball was clearly dealt with, along with Boomer’s head

A woozy figure lay there, his job done in this game

He staggered to the showers, not knowing his name

And the halftime talk was:

“You’ve got to know when to hold it

Know when to pass it

Know when to cross the ball

Know when to run

You never dribble the ball

When you’re clearly under pressure

There’ll be time enough for dribbling

When the beer is gone”

Gamble this Kenny!!!!

Now every player knows, the secret to winning

Is scoring more goals, then the other team

Lakehill started brightly, and put their opponents under pressure

But couldn’t get the ball in the net, to win the game

Woodcock was busy, and Mani won the ball a lot

Vinnie tried to beat his man, with his words

Now Yager was quite yelly, Boner was tall and firm

And Joey kept it soccery, when he got in the game

And as the game wound down, United released a weapon

His ball “hand”ling second to none, his hair a hue of green?

Now the game was almost up, but Kones couldn’t change it

A point even – the game drawn, as the sunshine set

So United drew Cowichan, on the 29^th of October

The Year of our Lord, 2011

Dances With Wolves, is Rimek’s favourite movie

I didn’t have enough verses, to finish this song

And the Stanch said:

“You’ve got to know when to hold it

Know when to pass it

Know when to cross the ball

Know when to run

You never dribble the ball

When you’re clearly under pressure

There’ll be time enough for dribbling

When the beer is gone”

Man of the Match: Peters was sensational

Holle-Nash: None awarded meaning it could be a triple shot at the next game!

Moan of the Match: "Boomer it's Saturday and you're playing soccer..." 

Special mention to Smash and Bash Yager for rearranging Rimek's bumper

NEW FEATURE! The People of Braefoot

In yet another brand new feature here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot, we're bringing you interviews with the people you just might see lurking about our beloved Braefoot Park.

In our first of the series, we interview Lakehill Danger Police goalie, and all around ginger-haired tough guy, Andrew "Carpet Matches the Drapes" Whidden.

What is Prince Edward Islander for Goalie?

Blogspot: You play for Lakehill, what specifically attracted you to the club?  Was it because they wear red and you are a ginger?
Whidden: The colors were very complimentary, but mainly it was so I felt taller with having T-Roy and Vinnie on the team in Div 3.
Blogspot: What position do you play – missionary or bottom?
Whidden: I'm a keeper... so whatever position I have to do the least work in. (Editor - that would be the bottom)
Blogspot: You play for the Danger Police.  Do you have any police or private security experience [don’t talk about your privates]? 
Editor - Whidden mentions his privates, we rewind the tape and ask again.
Whidden:  I once guarded two droids through the solar system, on a fact finding mission to find my sister and father, and to save the Empire........ sorry, I'm watching Star Wars......... so, no.
Blogspot: What’s your favourite thing about Lakehill and or Braefoot? [can’t answer Al Reid]
Editor - Whidden mentions Al Reid's privates this time.  We'd like more but already feel like we are on a tangent and ask the question again.
Whidden: My favorite thing about Braefoot is the turf. And it's a great place to watch Brian Nash injure himself on a regular basis.
Blogspot: Besides long showers, what do you do outside of soccer?
Whidden: I grow grass for a living.... the turf type. I'm a Groundskeeper for a billionare in the Uplands, and manage the 3 acre property.
Editor - We ask Whidden if he knows anyone who can get the other type for us but he goes back to talking about his privates.

 

Spot the ginger - Whidden is a natural red

Blogspot: We hear you’re from the East Coast.  Do you know the Trailer Park Boys?  We love those guys...

Whidden: I went to college with Corey and Trevor, but I know cats and dogs smarter than Corey and Trevor. And Julien's parents own a pizza joint in my hometown.

Blogspot: Remember that time Randy ate all those cheeseburgers?  That was pretty funny…

Whidden: Oh ya.... at the Cheeseburger picnic.... those fucking dirty burgers.
Blogspot: On the field, you’ve described your idol as a cross between Mike Peters and an athlete – do you have any other idols?

Whidden: A couple of American Idols..... but this guy named Doc we play with.... he may be old, but he's pretty cool.

Editor - Not really, Rimek is cooler.
Blogspot: We hear you used to work in Chicago at the old department store.  What did you sell and why did you get fired?

Whidden: A woman came in for a ruler, a ruler from the store. A ruler she wanted, 12 inches she got, and I don't work there anymore.

Editor - Now he's back on his privates, we don't have the heart to tell him that we use metric...
Blogspot: Finally – do you have any wisdom or additional information to give to our readers?

Whidden: Practice means to perform, over and over again in the face of all obstacles, some act of vision, of faith, of desire. Practice is a means of inviting the perfection desired. Actually, I stole that from Al Reid during a U-21 game. He rocks.

Editor - He does?

And there you have it: installment number 1 of the People of Braefoot.  Stay tuned for more interviews in the coming months.

Top Ten - Nash's Next Car: Number 3!

As a continuation of one of our popular features, we're bringing you the next car in the series Top Ten - Nash's Next Car and we are getting close as we enter the top 3 today!

To summarize, we've heard that Lakehill United and all around funny guy, Brian Nash, is in the market for a new car.  We thought it would be fun to help him decide what to purchase right here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot over the next few weeks.

So far, we've featured cars 10 through 4 in our quest to find the ultimate vehicle for Nash.  Today we give you...

Nash's Next Car #3 - The Donk

You must be asking yourself: "How did I not see this coming?"  And you would be forgiven in not knowing the answer.

The Donk is a popular style in the American South where a 71-76 Impala is given massive wheels.  It is both ludicrous and heinous and our editor agrees that if one man can pull off the Donk, it would be Nash.

McDonald's Donk - Supersize this Beotch!!!

After flirting with all types of awesome in our Top Ten so far, the Donk represents a new style and direction for the big man.  Picture Nash big pimping in a lime green Donk with his homeboy Medeiros while bumping Vanilla Ice on some massive subs.  

Nutz optional - but preferred

This writer looks forward to the day when he has to explain to his kids why Uncle Nash has such a sweet ride and also why they aren't allowed to ride with him...

Stay tuned for more Top Ten - Nash's next car as we get ready to give you car #2.

Castaways 4, Arsenal 2 - United Not Good Enough at RAP*

On a dreary Saturday afternoon, Lakehill United took on top-half division rivals, Castaways F.C.

It what can only be described as an "Arsenal" type display, United proved capable of being both scintillating in attack and ludicrously poor in defence.

Castaways opened the scoring in the fifth minute by capitalizing on poor marking off a set-piece (sound familiar Arsenal fans).  A free kick was floated in from the left wing and the Casty's forward rose to head home unmarked.

Arsenal concede a similar header to Casty's first (1:03 in)

United continued to doze and were nearly punished again for some slack marking.  As the half wore on though, United got firmly into the driving seat and pressured the Castaways back line with some sublime passing moves.  Unfortunately there was just no finish to compliment the tidy attacking play.

United's passing was sublime at times

The half ended at 1-nil for Casty's but Lakehill knew that their chances would come and that they needed to take them when they did.

And come they did as United came out firing on all cylinders in the second half.  It was United who created several good early chances but were simply unable to finish.  Finally, United got an equalizer midway through the half.  

Unfortunately, the tie game was short lived as United conceded a second in dubious fashion after they had  chances to clear the ball out of their own area.

United, though, continued to attack and were rewarded once again with a goal in what was turning into a thriller for all the wrong reasons.

Unfortunately, that was as close as they would come to any points as not once, but twice, Castaways punished some weak defending and went on to win the game.

United will be hoping for more this weekend as they entertain Cowichan at the Foot.

Man of the Match: N/A

Holle-Nash Award: N/A

Moan of the Match: There were at least 4 of them, lost count offensively. 

*No United players or coaches will be mentioned in this report to protect their identities.

Welcome to Triple Shot Thursday!!!!

Due to a serious lack of new posts over the past week, we here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot feel that we should reward you with not 1, not 2, but 3 brand spanking, hot-off-the-press new, articles!

So stay tuned today for a Match Report from the weekend, Nash's Next Car #3, and a new feature we are calling: "The People of Braefoot."

BONUS - Rimek has remarked; and it will be up later as well.

Enjoy -

Holla