UPDATED! A Tale of Two Halves as 1 Point Sees United go Top For the Holidays

Saanich Fusion Sound Machine Invade the Foot and Retreat East With 1 Point and Match Report

Unprecedented.

Unheard of.

Unusual.

Unexpected.

Underwear.

Okay, so we added that last one because we ran out of words but this week's match report format has simply never been done in this way before.  Ever.

Oppan Derby Style - Lakehill 1, Lakehill 1!

As the mists of McKenzie slowly rolled across Braefoot park last Friday night, one thing was clear, Lakehill were clearly going to get a result.

It was the second derby of the year and no one was ready to predict how this thing was going to turn out.  United, still at the top of the table, had just suffered their first defeat of the season to a Blazers squad starting to pick up points.  The Reds to their credit, were the Divisions form team after winning four on the bounce.  Both teams were solidly at the top of the table leaving the league hoping for a draw to keep the top team in sight.

DERBY HERE, DERBY THERE, DERBY EVERY-FRICKEN-WHERE

On the night before the Derby, we asked rookie reporter 74 O'Houlihan for his thoughts on the big match.

Webster’s dictionary defines the word derby as “a man’s stiff felt hat with dome-shaped crown and narrow brim.” This reporter couldn't think of a more accurate choice of words to describe this upcoming affair between Lakehill’s two division 2 teams, United and Reds.

Match of the century seems to be a stretch when preparing one’s self for chapter two of this rivalry, although former United alumni Troy “pickle surprise” Taillefer has recently found a sports bar in Belize that is both showing, and promoting this Friday’s event. When I look back over the storied history of the rivalry, I am reminded of one glaring feature that rises out of my memory in a burst of flames and wonderment, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, or like the front of Mike Moore’s UVIC sweatpants after a blue pill. This one thing – the score. The reason that sticks so fresh in MY mind is quite simple, that is what I use to keep track of who wins and who loses sporting events.

Hints, Allegations, and Goals Left Unscored. Lakehill Squeak One Out Versus Bottom of the Table Gorge

It's always going to be a tough situation.  United, coming off the front-nine that has been the season so far, sit undefeated at the top of the table.  Gorge, their opponent, rooted to the cellar on just 3 points.  How do you get a team motivated while convincing them to treat their opponent with respect?

Gorge's mission was easy: Nothing to lose, play for the win, these guys are cocky, there are points there for the taking.  And take points, they almost did.  Well, at least 1 point, almost.

United 2 - Cowichan 0. Halfway Through the Season and Lakehill Remain Undefeated!

It was labelled the "undisputed match of the round" by VISL forum poster, Duster, and it didn't disappoint as United emerged victorious over an attacking Cowichan side at the beloved Foot.

The season up to this game saw United on 15 points after playing 7, drawing 3, and winning 4 up against a quality Cowichan side who was just 1 point back in second place.  The fixture was always going to be a tricky one as these two teams tied each other in both fixtures last season at 0-0 as defense won out in both games.  Cowichan had only conceded 4 goals so far this term and United were one better at 3.  If anything, this one was going to end 0-0 which is not what the neutrals wanted to see.

Guess Who's Back!!?? United 2 - Vic West 1

Guess who's back, back again,
Cockle's back, tell your friends.
Cockle's back, Cockle's back,
Cockle's back, Cockle's back...

Tell your friends...

Former Golden Boot champion of the VISL Second Division, Chris Woodcock, stormed his way back into the Golden Boot race with two finely taken goals in Saturday's match with the Vic West Wolves.

The large venue and pounding rain were the pre-game stories as United went on the road looking for points for the fifth time this season (remarkably, 7 of the 9 remaining games in United's schedule this season are at the beloved Foot).  Finlayson the venue as the Victoria fall finally figured out that it was time for rain and gloom as United expected a strong physical match with one of the division's top teams.

United flew out of the gates with good early possession.  The field suited United's passing game as they were able to exploit gaps across the park.  Dillon "The Call-Up" Walker enjoyed a strong start to the game as he combined with Woodcock early and just missed the net on a fizzing bicycle kick shot.  Woodcock too found plenty of space early and was perhaps unlucky not to score as the Wolves defended heartily.

The break eventually came with a quick back-to-front counter by United.  Jeff "I'm Fond of the Cockle" Lenton did well to receive the ball in a four pass move and threaded it through to the breaking Cock.  His initial shot was parried by the Wolves keeper but the rebound dropped to Woodcock and he made no mistake on the second chance, burying it in the back of the Vic West net.

The warning signs were there and there should have been more goals in the first half as United looked hungry and continued to push.  Woodcock again with the break but failed to get the shot off as his defender back tracked well.  Ryan "Mr." Braun was unlucky not to score too off a fine header from a corner.

Wolves themselves were able to put a bit of pressure on United as the half wore on with a series of corner kicks that United were unable to clear.  Eventually, possession did return to United but not after Brett "That Does Look Infected" Poulis skinned a fine Provan of a shot off the outside of the post.

As it stood it was 1-nil at the half and United were left lamenting that they hadn't stretched their lead to more.

As is the way, the Wolves punished the United early in the second half.  Sam "My Bum will Likely Be on Camera This Time Next Week" Chiu gave away a very soft foul at the corner of the box and the resulting free kick beat Mike "I Know What Bananas Look Like" Peters.

1-1 and pressure mounting from a Vic West team that was finding its feet in the centre of the park.

The goal seemed to galvanize Yager as he picked up his work rate and started winning 50-50's across the pitch.  The spirit was contagious as United slowly started to play their way back into the game.

With 15 minutes left on the clock, United sub Bryan "My Nipples Have a Mind of Their Own" Butcher worked the ball to Tim "I Can't Believe It's Not Butta" Yager.  Yager did well to get to the byline and cross the ball to the onrushing Cockle, whose finish nestled into the near post.

Double your pleasure...

2-1 United and two goals for the Cockle, who has played just 4 games this season after fracturing his foot.

There was no late goal for the Wolves and United went on to claim their fourth win of the season and remain unbeaten so far this term.

The win sets the stage for a massive game between first place United and second place Cowichan, who are just 1 point back of United.  Game time is this Friday, 8:00 pm at the Foot which is just in time for the weekend shenanigans in Seattle.

Man of the Match: I remember the beer, I remember singing, but I don't remember who it was....
Holle-Nash Award: Sam "Surprise" Yager
Moan of the Match: Being told sock tape must match the socks.

What's Going on There??!! Inside the Player's Minds - Brian Mitchell

In the continuing series here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot, we endeavor to bring you inside the minds of some of our United players this year.

Either through picture, video, or spoken word, we'll gather the intel on your favourite United players (and perhaps staff) and present it to you - right here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot.

This week, we received a cryptic text (we think he was the author) and had an interesting conversation with United Rookie Brian Mitchell.  It turns out that while Mitchell really enjoys playing soccer, his real passion is tracking down rare and amazing pictures of cats.  So much so, that we've asked Brian to provide us here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot with his best finds.

And while we are not able to share the first picture we received from Mitchell due to technical limitations (it was a fine tabby wearing rounded sunglasses), we were able to use Google Images to search out other fine furry felines with sun sensitive sight.  We hope these are up to your high standards Brian and we look forward to your continued submissions!

Do you know how fast you were going meow?

Love the curves on this saucy Siamese shade wearer...

Check out this American Bobtail!  Or should that be American Bob Dylan Tail?

9 lives + 4 eyes = awwwwwww

Apparently these aren't glasses.  Apparently we don't care! 

1 Bagel United as Lakehill Go into Bye on a High!

In a match report that is sadly far too late to recollect anything of note, Lakehill United beat the Villa of Powell River 1-0 in a drab encounter at the Foot more than 10 days ago.

We here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot have never claimed timely reporting and we are not about to start with this half-assed, washed-up, match report (read written by Holla).  In order to compensate, we are promising a second article today which will thrill and enthrall our readers into forgiving our lazy journalism.

The game was played in a light rain, or maybe not, at our beloved Foot against a River team that was starting to pick up points in the VISL Division 2.  Villa, typically a tricky opponent, came out strong in the first half as both teams split the possession evenly in the opening exchanges.

United were motivated after starting the season brightly before conceding their first two goals of the season at Nanaimo in the previous round and going into a bye weekend following the game.  Midway through the half,  United's motivation started to turn into match dominance as Tim "Open Ginger Style" Yager put in a fine performance.

After a league record 867 corners (we checked - the last corner goal was Holla's goal direct from a corner against Gorge in 2005) without a goal, United broke their duck as Yager rose high at the back post to nod a powerful header back on goal.  Dillon "The Call-Up" Walker got a touch in the crowd and United went ahead.

Walker...hitting on chicks - CHECK.  Hitting the post - CHECK.

Walker, spurned on by the goal, went on to play his best game of the season and was unlucky not to score a second after a fine individual dribbling move saw him hit the post.

The second half saw United get a bit sloppy as Powell River shook off those travelling legs and come into the game.  A couple of fine saves by Mike "Do They Have Bananas in Seattle" Peters kept United on top as Villa were also unlucky to hit the post after a similar chance to Walkers was crafted by their right winger.

After the late collapse in Nanaimo, the nerves set in for United in the latter stages as they allowed Villa more and more possession and territory.  In the end though, they kept their composure to get the 3 points and go into the break on the back of a well deserved win.

Results around the league over the bye weekend mean that United stay second in the league and remain unbeaten this season.  Next match is an away trip as they face the Wolves of West Victoria this Saturday at Finlayson.

Man of the Match: Dillon Walker
Holle-Nash Award: Pickle was given to?  But everyone had to eat it?  I can't remember....
Moan of the Match: Pickle Surprise

This just in, we've obtained video footage of the giant celebratory pickle passed in United's change room after the game:

WTF?

2 is the Magic Number! Match Summaries from the Last Two Weeks.

TWO

Why is the number 2 so important?

Over the past 2 weeks we here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot.com have noticed a pattern; and once we started looking, we couldn't stop.  So here it is, perhaps the laziest piece of journalism thus far this year (we blew our load in the previous article).

So, here we go:

• It's been 2 weeks since we wrote our last match report
• We're combining 2 match reports into this article
• We tied 2 games in that period
• Giving us 2 points
• We are currently number 2
• Behind by 2 goals on goal difference
• In the VISL division 2
• And there are 2 Lakehill teams in this division
• Against Saanich Fusion, they hit the bar 2 times
• Which was played at Tyndall Park which has 2 fields
• The 2 goalies both got shutouts 
• Against Nanaimo, we conceded our first 2 goals of the season 
• (their second with 2 minutes left)
• But we also scored 2
• On Merle Logan field 2
• Koenig's goal in that game has him listed as number 2 in the goal scoring race
• (again in div 2)

Our 2 starting outside backs for the last 2 games standing on a tiny piece of 2x4...

Still with us? Ok, time to kick this thing into overdrive for you conspiracy theorists:

• There are 2 unicorns on the Dukes FC logo
• I figured that out while playing DJ Hero 2 
• On my Playstation 2
• Most of this article was actually written while I was taking a number 2
• 2?  The number of guys old enough on United to be Dillon's Dad
• Number of ID card photo retakes asked for by the league? 2
• The 2 United members were Peters and Holla
• Favourite sex move?  The Pteradactyl, which requires 2 other dudes (and a girl)

What number do you see? See what we are talking about?

• Number of guys named Brian/Bryan on the team? 2
• Holla is in year number 2 of coaching
• Number of balls Scottie has? 3
• United have 2 home games left before Seattle
• 2 people have already commented about Lammie driving to Seattle
• Nmuebr of times yuo had to raed tihs snetnce? 2
• There are 2 guys on United with the Samsung Galaxy SIII
• Officially it takes 2 to tango but if I get me leg just right...

This is my shirt today and no I did not plan that #mindblown

• How many Mann's have played for us down the years? 2
• At least 2 members of United had a late night last night (not Jer though, Coach Holla check's your tweets)
• We are willing to bet that 2 of our players have lost their virginity to other players sisters
• 2 United players are under 5 feet tall
• Number of bottles of BBQ sauce Nash drinks during a bender? 2
• Number of Yager's currently on the team? 2
• Number of official apologies issued in the last week for one of those Yagers? 2
• To the other Lakehill Div 2 team? 2
• Amount of readers that have read this far? 2
• Number of over-sized body parts Butcher is known for? 2 (calves and nipples)
• How many times do we think Stanch puked last night and at what time?  2 and 2
• At least 2 people thought Moore and Butcher were dating when they joined the team
• Length of time it took for Moore to yell "NASH!" when he found gay porn on his computer? About 2 seconds

Ok.  That should do it.  Game tonight at the Foot versus Powell River Villa.  Kickoff at 2 6.

Official Response to Some People Believing We are the Gorge Based on Our New Training Tops

This week we had an interesting encounter with a member of Lakehill Soccer Association who tweets as @lakehillsoccer with regards to our new training tops.

Now normally this site is dedicated to satirical and humourous articles as they relate to Lakehill United and our team.  We claim no official content from Lakehill Soccer as this site, at times, is grossly inappropriate for many of the members of our beloved soccer club.  Our target audience is ourselves, and the humour that entails, is only meant for the enjoyment of both past and present members of Lakehill United.

BUT, this article will take a decidedly unfunny approach as we deem it necessary to respond to the inaccurate and ill-informed attack we received last week from @lakehillsoccer.

Before we lay out the Twitter exchange in full (and in doing so, will likely not cover ourselves in glory), we feel it is necessary to make two critical points:

1. The author of this article is the same person who tweets for our Twitter account (@LakehillUtd) and authored the response tweets to @lakehillsoccer before blocking him from our Twitter account.
2. We checked with the Executive of Lakehill Soccer Association for several pieces of information in this article, either directly through members or through the website (links are provided in this article where appropriate) and have found out that @lakehillsoccer is not officially a Twitter account for Lakehill Soccer Association. 

Also, before going any further, let's show you our new top:

New top front

New top back

As you can see the new top is predominantly black with the Lakehill crest on the chest and "LFC" on the back.  There is also a number on the front which we have covered in the first picture for this article.

Now, we will provide the Twitter exchange from Wednesday night in it's entirety:

This conversation jumped around a bit, we believe it is represented in the correct order but had to piece it together since some of the comments were replies to specific tweets.

Get all that?  Good.  There are several themes to the attack by @lakehillsoccer which we would like to speak to.  These include, if we have interpreted correctly, the following points:

1. Teams that wear black training tops, must play for Gorge
2. The club has a policy against putting the crest on black training tops
3. Since Lakehill United has had the crest embroidered on a black training top, we do not care about the club, nor do we have a sense for the club.
4. @lakehillsoccer is a fan of ours and officially or not, has some sort of club role in pointing out non-compliant training tops.

Now in order to present our facts derived from real research (not made up or imagined @lakehillsoccer), we'd like to articulate our counter-argument around these four themes.  We are also going to present our findings in reverse order (i.e. we will speak to point 4 first etc.) in order to make the most compelling and emphatic riposte.

Point 4: @lakehillsoccer is a fan of ours and officially or not, has some sort of club role in pointing out non-compliant training tops

This particular point possibly made us laugh the most, especially when doing our research, we realized that @lakehillsoccer is not on the Lakehill Soccer Association Executive (we did find out he was at one point which makes his own ignorance about club policy even more embarrassing) and does not tweet officially on behalf of the club.  

He states things like, "I'm a @LakehillUtd fan" and tells us to "#respectthebrand."  

Perhaps we are ignorant ourselves in the way fans act and behave but I know we certainly would not attack the Vancouver Whitecaps over their choice in warm-up tops.  As a big fan of Arsenal, I would not be upset if they wore a blue sweatshirt at their training sessions (Arsenal's predominant colours are red and white).  

The righteous tone of the tweets implies someone who believes that to be a fan of ours, is to attack us over our choice in training top.

In fact, under the auspices of a "sense of club" @lakehillsoccer seems to undermine his very point; albeit an incorrect one.  Which brings us to Point 3.

Point 3: Since Lakehill United has had the crest embroidered on a black training top, we do not care about the club, nor do we have a sense for the club.

Building on our previous point, let's take a different look at the logic behind @lakehillsoccer's comments.

• @lakehillsoccer clearly believes he speaks for the club
• @lakehillsoccer is arguing for a single sense of club pride, club unity if you will
• @lakehillsoccer believes that by attacking teams that in his opinion, are not showing pride in the club, is the best way to achieve club unity.

Er...ok...that makes a lot of sense.  If you read that and could not decipher the related logic, don't worry, you're not the only one.

Now here is an opportunity to come clean for us here at Lakehill United.  This is not the first time we have interacted with this individual.  In fact, over the last four to five years we have probably spoken directly with @lakehillsoccer in person, half a dozen times.  Each time, we have been overwhelmed by the negativity and righteous nature of this person.  

And it turns out, we are not alone in this thought process.  We did some digging and in talking to several individuals, they too have had similar experiences.  

So here is a free tip to @lakehillsoccer: perhaps in trying to achieve a sense of club, be inclusive, positive, humble, and above all else, nice.

Let's switch gears for a moment and talk a bit about Lakehill United's "sense of club."  From talking about our beloved Foot, to having several players who have played their entire soccer career at Lakehill Soccer Association, this assertion is ridiculous and offensive.  In fact, I have red AND black training tops that have been a part of Lakehill longer than @lakehillsoccer.

Over the years, this team has helped out this club whenever possible.  We have guys coaching their own kids at the club, we helped lay underlay for the turf (twice), we have provided volunteers to the girls' Fall tournament, we've moved goalposts at the start of the season (and at the end), we've participated in fundraisers, and generally assisted wherever we can in supporting the club.  Even through the last year and half without an official Lakehill kit, we have been fervent supporters of the club.

We are proud to be part of Lakehill soccer

What we are not proud of, is individuals mis-representing themselves as spokesmen for the LSA and attacking teams within that club under the guise of being a fan.

Bonus History Lesson:  Here is a bit of history for @lakehillsoccer as he likely does not know the evolution of the Reds supporter faction within the club.  The original seeds of a supporters club at Lakehill were brainstormed by three individuals - Darold Schubert, Al Reid, and myself.  At the time, there was no clubhouse at Reynolds Park, and the name of the supporters group was unofficially between "The Redheads" and "Red and White Army."  As it came to pass, I had to step away due to family commitments but much to my pride, both Al and Darold followed through, creating the term "Reds" and the clubhouse at Reynolds Park. 

Point 2: The club has a policy against putting the crest on black training tops

We're willing to bet that this will be the most contentious point we'll make in this article; after all  @lakehillsoccer seemed quite emphatic that there is a club policy in place which prevents the use of the Lakehill Soccer crest on black training tops.

There isn't.  We checked.

Oops.  I guess @lakehillsoccer didn't count on that.  Turns out that this bunch of soccer players have half a brain and are quite capable of reviewing and researching the clubs policies which are on the official site.

Here's the link to the Club's Senior's Policy and Procedures Manual: 

http://www.lakehillsoccer.com/forms-and-documents/documents/15-senior-teams-policy-and-procedures-manual

This policy was revised on May 2008 and states on page 8: 

"In the interest of Club uniformity, all warm-up apparel purchased by teams must be predominately red, white and black."

It states the same in the youth policy if anyone is interested and the club's constitution does not speak to the use of the crest.

Not content with this research, we went back through the executive minutes which are also posted on the club site.  We went back to and included minutes from 2009 on wards (we figured that anything older than that should be captured in the Policy and Procedures manual).  

We found only two passing references to uniforms and colours.

November 2010 (http://www.lakehillsoccer.com/forms-and-documents/administration/executive-meeting-minutes/2010/208-november-minutes)

Section 4.2 under new business states "We usually replace uniforms every three years the current Umbros have lasted well for 5 years, Dave sent out a request to our three min local suppliers for their suggestions, so far two have responded. Discussion over our preferred go forward strategy. Board likes the idea of a standard Lakehill design and going towards red shorts with white Lakehill logo"

And in January 2010 (http://www.lakehillsoccer.com/forms-and-documents/administration/executive-meeting-minutes/2010/200-january-minutes/download)

Old Business states a carried motion with regards to a second strip (not warm-up top): "Motion for 2nd jersey (the jersey is to be white with red trim, black shorts and red socks or red shorts with white or red socks. The 2nd jersey can only be worn at home if there is a referee conflict. ALL IN FAVOUR CARRIED"

We weren't satisfied with this research and decided to ask a friend of ours on the Executive at Lakehill Soccer.  His response was that there is no official policy with regards to training tops having to be predominantly red with white and black trim although the Executive felt that this should be a general guideline. Fair enough, we'll take that under consideration next time.  But that is far from the "club policy" @lakehillsoccer cites which quite frankly, doesn't exist.

Point 1: Teams that wear black training tops, must play for Gorge

Ah yes, the pinnacle of a great club-centric argument.  Draw comparisons to a rival club in order to somehow prove a pathetic and incorrect point.

We've heard this one jotted out before and quite frankly, think it is more than a little far-fetched.  It is more than demeaning to our club supporters, parents, players, and volunteers to suggest that black training tops with the Lakehill crest will confuse them into believing we play for the Gorge. People are generally intelligent, and quite capable of reading the two pretty big clues on our tops (the crest and the LFC embroidery).  Consider the alternative of not putting the Lakehill crest on the training top; that might be a bit more confusing, no?

We truly believe that people make this comment without actually engaging their brain.  It is a bit like going into a workplace and finding people following a process that is completely wrong.  When questioned on it, the standard response is: "we do it because that is the way we have always done it."  Same thing here, Gorge wears black, that team is wearing black, that team MUST be Gorge.  Use your brain.

We've also seen teams from Prospect Lake, Bays United, Vic West, Cordova Bay, Cowichan, Juan de Fuca, Nanaimo, Comox, and almost every Lower Mainland club wearing black training tops, coats, tracksuits, etc.  Surely the influence of Gorge does not extend across the Province?

Finally on this point, we'd like to offer the following picture of Christine Sinclair from this summer's Olympics in England:

Christine Sinclair plays for Gorge?

That is correct, Christine is wearing a Team Canada black training top (black isn't even on our flag).  We hope that @lakehillsoccer hasn't read this far down the page because at this point, he's really going to lose it.

So that's it.  We normally wouldn't feel the need to respond to people who attack us, rather preferring a simple block on Twitter, but in this case, we felt that it was necessary.  

As far as we're concerned this matter is closed however any future ill-advised comments directed at us by @lakehillsoccer will be reported to our actual Executive of the club.

Normal service to resume shortly.

Derbies, Goals, Scoring, and Sisters! United Go Top in the Battle of Braefoot!

BLAM!

Three played; seven points; zero goals conceded; and -1 Nashes this season – you do the math.

United went top of the table on Friday in the first Lakehill Derby of the year via the VISL Division 2’s goal scoring sensation, Matt Koenig!

Koenig, who was in the mood on the night, latched onto former VISL Division 2 Golden Boot Winner, Chris Woodcock’s through ball to calmly slot home the only goal of the game.

Koenig had clearly come to win at soccer after earlier emailing the team:

“Good news. I just found out my exes brother plays for the other div 2 team for lakehill so if they start being douchebags set me up as his check and I can talk about plowing his sister.”

Drunk 2 - Joint Top Scorer in Div 2

The game was cagey in the opening minutes as neither team looked like they wanted to risk getting opened up for a first goal.  Mike "Banana Skin" Peters had little to do in the first half as United conceded territory in an effort to not allow a very quick Reds team in behind the back line   

Tim "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" Yager was United's hardest worker in the first half as he covered a lot of ground through his energetic displays.  In fact, Yager allowed the United team to settle and go on and score through Koenig.

Again United's back line were comfortable through the half with not much to complain about at the half.  Mike "Battlestar Galactica is Not My Favourite Show" Medeiros enjoyed his first start to the season and was regularly seen not maurauding down the left flank.  He couldn't be beaten though as he used his body well to keep the Reds off the ball.

So 1-0 at the half and a few changes were made with new boys Brian "Chode's Are For Losers" Mitchell and Dillon "Prison Shiv" Walker getting in against their former u21 club mates. Another man who got in to the match was Kielan "Lil" Hrasky who rode a few challenges in the centre of the park.

LakehillUnited.Blogspot's recreation of Key getting stuck in

As the half progressed, there wasn't much action either way as United remained comfortable defending deep and the Reds attempted to find a way through them.  A weak yellow card for Timmy Yager for a decent challenge and a brief melee by some guy claiming to be crazy were the only remotely significant talking points in the second half.

The game ended at 1-bagel for United who went top of the league with the result and Peters claimed a third shut-out this season.  Sam "I'd bet on Getting Hit in the Cock" Yager bought a round of beer for the United team compliments of Gene Belliveau.  For their part, United look to take their high flying start to Tyndall this week to play the Fusion (sounds exciting).

Man of the Match: Can't remember
Holle-Nash Award (Authentic Alan T-Shirt): Boomer
Moan of the Match: Timmy's yellow

Luminous Illuminator in Attendance as United Claim 3 Points to go Joint Top of Table at Tyndall

Another away kickoff saw United face familiar foes Gordon Head Blazers at Tyndall Park on Saturday evening.

The night was a dark one and not enhanced in any way by the dim mood-lighting in Gordon Head. United though, had a secret weapon up their sleeve in the form of BBQ-sauce guzzling, neon shirt wearing, metro-sexual Nash; who joined United on the bench and lit up the proceedings while proceeding to get lit up.

This...but in neon....

Competition for starting spots saw United start strong, playing their own brand of possession football. Blazers, to their credit, did find room in the middle of the park and as the first half wore on, gained chances through United turnovers.

Overall, United were comfortable in the opening exchanges with Mike “My Shirt Pales in Comparison to Nash’s” Peters making some confident catches. Even better were his kicks as he smashed the ball consistently 70+ yards, much to the confusion of the United front men.

As Peters found form, so too did Sam “Neon Isn’t a Colour Nash” Yager and Ian “Glowing Isn’t a Colour Nash” Broome as their work in the centre of the park broke up the Blazer’s offence. Jer “I May Be a Star, But I’m Not as Bright as Nash” Roberg found some joy also in his forays up the field to join in the attack; with one fine shot drifting just wide of the goal.

The middle of the half could be called cagey, as turnovers from United lead to unneeded pressure on their backline. But just as these turnovers looked to be the death of them, United managed a goal, which changed the dynamic of the game permanently. Front man Tim “Highlighter Might be a Colour Nash” Yager earned a penalty through some hard work and positive running. In fact Yager had a terrific game throughout with much of the United attack being channeled through him.

Jeff “Why is Everyone Talking About Nash” Lenton stepped up and firmly struck the PK past the Blazer keeper to score United’s first of the season. The goal had a calming effect on United as they saw out the half quite comfortably.

Awww, you got to love Facebook

There were plenty of positives from the first half and United knew that if they could reduce the turnovers, the 3 points were there to be had.

The second half saw the introduction of Bibo “More Bright Yellow Ferrari Than Bright Yellow Punch-Buggy” Bissendon and Dillon “Don’t Call Me Yellow or I’ll Stab You” Walker; the former taking some time to settle after having to defend some mazy runs while wearing Holla’s shorts. Editor – please clean the poop stains before returning to Holla. Speaking of poop, Walker himself had to be withdrawn quite quickly in order to participate with Rimek in a game of “Where’s my Poo??!!!???” We here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot hope you are feeling better.

But enough of the potty talk.

United, with the deeper bench, were the stronger side in the second half and despite a couple gilt-edged chances for the Blazers, got their second midway through the half via some hard work by Chris “Insert Nash Joke Here” Woodcock. The Cockle was able to draw the Blazers to him with a fine run before squaring the ball to a marauding Matt “Who’s Nash” Konig. Konig still had it all to do as so many times, chances like this are screwed past the post. He did well to keep the ball low and fired it neatly past the GH keeper.

At 2-nil up, the game was effectively over as United saw out the remaining Blazer threat to get their first win of the new season and go joint top of the table.

This week, United face the Reds of Lakehill in the first derby match of the season at the Foot on Friday night.

Man of the Match: Lenton Nash

Holle-Nash Award: Jer Nash

Moan of the Match: Ball to the Nads Nash

Hurting at Hampton! New Season Tilt Ends in Disappointing Draw

Gorge the opponent and Hampton the venue for Lakehill United’s season opener of the 2012-13 season.

Our new look United squad fresh from a summer of pole dancing, dwarf tossing, and general debauchery took to the field in the lily white away kit on a mild evening off Burnside. Coach Holla was able to welcome five new players to the squad for the season, two of whom got the nod to start.

Indeed it was the fresh faces of Scottie “Too Hottie” Rimek and Dillon “The Call-Up” Walker in the forward triumvirate with the former manager putting in a strong first half performance. Unfortunately Scottie’s game was cut short by a Kobra Kai Sweep the Legs moment in the latter parts of the opening half. Our sources can confirm that Scottie has no lasting effects from the challenge aside from the normal hands that smell like dog balls and a piercing gaze.

Kobra Kai  Gorge get ready to sweep Scottie's legs

Walker too looked good early; his darting runs causing confusion amongst friend and foe alike as United attempted to settle early. In fact it was United who looked better in the opening exchanges as it looked like Gorge had a totally new team fielded in this Division 2 of the VISL.

Other United standouts in the first half were the backline of Sammy “I Make Fun of People with MD” Yager, Benny “I Date Chicks from Calgary” Stanchfield, Bibo “Gay Apple Junior” Juicebox, and Jer “Asymmetrical Ears” Roberg. The boys at the back were rarely troubled and were able to launch counterattacks via Roberg and Bibo.

Unfortunately for United, their game play was the equivalent of Holla’s sex life – glorious to behold while it lasts, but ultimately unable to last long enough to please anyone. Moderate heat combined with stunning fitness meant that the game was ultimately 64 minutes too long.

By halftime, many United players were shorter of breath than an asthmatic in a fart war; and had the sweat stains to match.

The second half saw United ring in some changes by replacing the front three after some hard work in the early stages of the game.  Coach Holla moved Bibo up front to play as the Unicorn foil in what can only be described as the fantasy formation.  The big man did well but eventually relented to the heat and had to be replaced.  On getting to the bench, he was overheard stating that he "is no longer a Ferrari..."  More like a punch buggy, Beebs.

Gorge came into the game in the second half as United flagged, but despite some threatening moments, never breached the United goal thanks to some super work by Mike "Banananananananananannana" Peters.  

This guy was Man of the Match.  Oh - And RvP is an idiot....

Second half highlights also included a sublime one-two passing play between new boy Brian "How About I Play Pass With Your Face" Mitchell and his check's face, a beautifully executed unicycle kick by Mike "Mary Lou Retton" Medeiros, and a well earned yellow card by an industrious Timmy "I Owned a Store in Chicago" Yager.

At the end of the day, no team got the go ahead goal and had to settle for a point a piece.  Next week's action sees United at Gordon Head for a much anticipated match against the Blazers.

Man of the Match: Mike Peters for one pretty special save - he knows which one. swoon

Holla-Nash Award: Tim Yager for a tough guy performance

Moan of the Match: 90 minutes is too long for a match

Twas The Night Before Season

Twas the night before season, when all through the Foot
Not a player was boozing, not even a Butch;
The jerseys were hung, in the change room with care,
In front of the mirror, Al Reid worked on his stare;

My hand was all nestled below the waistband,
In hopes of some me time while watching Roseanne;
And Benny and Jer at Beerfest to tap,
By game time tomorrow all set for a nap;

When out on my lawn there arose such a clatter,
A beer drinking Bibo looking absolutely shattered;
"Hey Holla I'm here, to drink rye with you"
"Sorry big man, I'm resting, you should too";

The moon in the sky shone like a steel drum,
Reminded me of Sam and the game of Who's Bum;
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a half-naked Rimek, having sex with a deer;

"On Dancers, on Vixens, on couches I've been,
And none quite as arousing as you my antler'd queen;
To finish this off I've got quite an act,
Shapes and Movements! Cheeseburger Picnic! Check your sources, its a Fact!

Erm...Old fashioned Christmas?

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
Tim Yager, Medeiros, and Koenig the goof;
"Hey what the f$%* are you doing on my dwelling?"
"Kones hurt his weiner, you got something for the swelling?"

I sorted them out with a bit of good cheer,
Then back in my house for some pretzels and beer;
As surely as sh** a party begun,
The fellas above, were joined by Lenton;

With music and dancing Doc Poulis appeared,
followed shortly by Boomer, and Key with a beard;
The Cockle and Bones, and new guys came after,
Dillon the call-up and Peters arrived to some laughter;

When promptly at midnight a hush on the crowd,
All stemmed from a baseline outside quite loud;
We spilled from the house to check on the racket,
To find someone outside in a big puffy jacket;

Who could it be on new season's eve,
Who could it be, what's up their sleeve;
"IT'S SUPER SUB NASH" oh what a ham,
Giving gifts of hard candy, long hugs, and Pearl Jam;

The stage was set, the morning grew near,
New season's eve was over, fueled by Rockstar and beer;
The fellas all home went for a rest,
At Hampton at 6, we start on our quest.

The People of Braefoot

The popular feature, The People of Braefoot, returns to LakehillUnited.Blogspot after a hiatus earlier this year.  As you recall, we're bringing you interviews with the people you just might see lurking about our beloved Braefoot Park.

In our second installment of the series, we interview Lakehill Danger Police midfielder, and founding member of the Beer Olympics, Sean "There's More to O-Town Than Politics" Daley.

Daley, no allergies to beer reported.

Blogspot: You play for Lakehill, what specifically attracted you to the club?
Daley: I was told there was a lake on a hill and I thought to myself, "Wow, I've never seen that before, a lake on a hill, who knew?"  Then amongst this thoughtful diarrhea, I pondered, "Well, if its a lake on a hill, wouldn't the lake be falling, like a waterfall, then it would be called a waterfall, but on a hill, like waterhill?" - Ten years later and I am still baffled.

Blogspot: Interesting story.  That conundrum aside, what’s your favourite thing about Lakehill and or Braefoot? [can’t answer Al Reid]
Daley: So now there is a foot at the lake on a hill?

Editor - Daley then stares into the distance as if realizing something for the first time.  We wait patiently for a moment before he returns his attention to us.

Blogspot: What position do you play – missionary or bottom?
Daley: Former. 

Editor - We shift nervously at the emphatic nature of his response.  

Blogspot: You play for the Danger Police.  Do you have any police or private security experience [don’t talk about your privates]? 
Daley:  I once escorted Barbra Streisand on her way from a chili cook off to a smelling salts conference, does that count?  

Blogspot: Er, yes....I'm just on a co-op term, I'm not really sure if it counts.  The boss just said not to mention your privates and Al Reid in the same sentence.
Daley:  Cool.  But just to clarify I could bring up someone else's privates?

Blogspot:  I suppose, why?
Daley: It is just good to know - just in case.

Blogspot: Back to the interview.  Besides long showers, what do you do outside of soccer?
Daley: Short showers.

Editor - Again the directness of the answer baffles our interviewer as there is a long pause.  Perhaps this is a metaphor for Daley's direct style of play.

Amish Spiderman anyone?

Blogspot: We hear you’re from O-town (Ottawa).  Do you know the Queen?  

Daley: I knew her daughter pretty well...

Blogspot: Probably best for the Commonwealth if we leave that one alone. One of your most famous contributions was rocking out to Abba on Saltspring Island.  Are there any other favourite moments representing the Danger Police or related tourni teams? 

Daley: The best is yet to come my friend. I heard there is a tournament in Chicago this year...

Editor - Daley pats us on the shoulder and follows it up with a wink and the gun signal.  We are not sure what to make of this but find it strangely comforting.

Blogspot: Speaking of Chicago, we hear you used to work in Chicago at the old department store.  What happened there?
Daley:  A lady came in for a refreshment and she seemed a little parched.  A refreshment she wanted, donkey punch she got.  I don't work there anymore.

Editor - All of a sudden, we are feeling a little thirsty ourselves.  Perhaps a little of Pavlov and his dogs going on?  Nah....

Blogspot: We’ve heard that the only reason you get playing time is because you are bosom buddies with the DP coach, Neal B.  What’s it like to have him as a roommate?
Daley:  He asked me if I could keep my toenail clippings in a jar.  I was afraid to ask why, maybe for his showers?  Do guys exfoliate?

Blogspot: Uh yeah, well actually that is personal.  I was told once that if you exfoliate too much, you'll go blind.
Daley: I think you mean Masturbate? 

Blogspot: Who's conducting this interview!?  I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!!  I can shower as long as I want MOM!!!
Daley: This is getting awkward.

Blogspot: Er yes.  Ok.  Finally – do you have any wisdom or additional information to give to our readers?

Daley: Don't ever pass up the chance to ride the waterslide

Editor - Effing right!

And there you have it: installment number 2 of the People of Braefoot.  LakehillUnited.Blogspot would like to thank Danger Police team member, Sean Daley as well as wish him a Happy Birthday.  Finally, we'd like to remind everyone that the Beer Olympics are back on September 22nd.

Stay tuned for more interviews in the coming months.

Hot Off the Press - 2012/13 Fixture List!

In a breaking story coming to us from the Vacation Inn in Victoria, the VISL have announced the 2012/13 fixture list. From the two Lakehill derby matches to the inevitable January Powell River road trip, we now reveal Lakehill United's matches for the upcoming season.*

1. Saturday, September 8th - 6:00 pm versus Gorge at Hampton
2. Friday, September 14th - 8:00 pm versus Gordon Head Blazers at Tyndall
3. Friday, September 21st - 8:00pm versus Lakehill Reds at the Foot **
4. Saturday, September 29th - 4:00pm versus Saanich Fusion at Tyndall
5. Saturday, October 6th - 5:00pm versus Nanaimo at Merl Logan
6. Saturday, October 13th - 6:00pm versus Powell River at the Foot
7. BYE***
8. Saturday, October 27th - 6:00pm versus Spurs at Finlayson
9. Friday, November 2nd - 6:00pm versus Cowichan at the Foot
10. Friday, November 9th - 6:00pm versus Gorge at the Foot
11. Friday, November 16th - 8:00pm versus Gordon Head Blazers at the Foot
12. Friday, November 23rd - 8:00pm versus Lakehill Reds at the Foot
13. Friday, November 30th - 6:00pm versus Saanich Fusion at the Foot
14. Friday, December 7th or Saturday the 8th? - 6:00pm versus Nanaimo at the Foot****
15. Sunday, January 20th - 1:30pm versus Powell River at Timberlane
16. BYE
17. Friday, February 1st - 8:00pm versus Spurs at the Foot
18. Saturday, February 9th - 6:00pm versus Cowichan at Cowichan

Couple of highlights to point out that United have a heavy away schedule for the start of the season meaning that there is a great stand of home games in the latter part of the season for our fans.  Further, with the possible exceptions of JdF and Cowichan, it looks like all games will be on turf.

* These dates could change and the official schedule will be on the VISL site shortly which will be the single source of truth.

** United are the home team for this game
*** JdF folded hence the BYE in the schedule

**** Schedule indicated this game will take place on Friday the 8th which is not a real date - confirmation when official schedule is released.

And now a random picture brought to you by Rimek:

FINALLY! Top Ten - Nash's Next Car: Number 1!

At last the final installment of our longest running feature, Nash's Next Car!

To summarize, we've heard that Lakehill United and all around funny guy, Brian Nash, is in the market for a new car has actually bought a new car.  We thought it would be fun to help him decide what to purchase right here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot.

So far, we've featured cars 10 through 2 in our quest to find the ultimate vehicle for Nash.  Today we give you...

Nash's Next Car #1 - The Love Me Sexy

We really don't know how to even describe what can only be described as the Awesomest Car Ever Witnessed by this Reporter's Eyes!

Goblins, Angels, White Tigers....Fuck Yeah!!!!

It could be argued that the '93 Nissan Altima is one of the finest mechanical creations of a generation, but  when combined with the visual airbrushed tour de force of an 80's perv van, the results are the equivalent of getting an HJ from Megan Fox on the upside down part of the world's most exciting roller-coaster (times 6)!!!!

Wolfman in armour on the trunk? Check.

The attention to detail on this ride is absolutely stunning with the imagination and skill needed to pull this off only surpassed by the small fortune necessary and the genius of the visionary owner.  Details include a matching airbrushed dash and lightning overlapping the taillights.  A quick view of the pics in this article affirm we are in the presence of greatness.

Who needs a baby when you have Angels on Board?

We here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot were unable to confirm what type of stereo system this mobile orgasm was rocking, but if the exterior is anything to go by, we can hypothesize that a sub-zooka is involved.

WTF is that on her inner thigh?

We were also curious to see what this bad boy was rocking under the hood but once viewed from the front, there was just no way we could open it.  Greeted by a giant white tiger and the Goddess of Tap Out, we stood mesmerized by its splendour as we drank in the visual sex pie that was on show.

We feel blessed to have ever been in the presence of such sexual fantasy and for that, we feel that this should be Nash's next car.

Hopefully you've enjoyed our series Nash's Next Car, we have to go take a cold shower. 

Spotted - Olympics + Rimek = Rimpics??? Yes!!!

As Olympic fever has captured the imagination of the world, we here at LakehillUnited.Blogspot have not been immune to the all the pageantry the games have to offer.  Whether it be horse-dancing, synchronized swimming, or even the almighty falling off a diving board, we've been glued to the telly for the last 15 days.

And in our constant boob-tube vigil, we managed to spot the Olympic Rimek (Rimpic) chilling with Team Canada. Imagine our surprise when we managed to catch up with Rimpic after the fact and ask him what he was doing at the Olympics:

"Did you know there is a US volleyball player named Destinee Hooker???"

Rimpic - Livin' the Dream

This should leave no doubt that Rimek was in fact in London; going for Gold!!!!  And to all the young, aspiring Rimpics out their reading this, drink hard, stay in school (unless it's a violation of your parole), seek out long hugs and hard candy, avoid men named Leslie, and don't fear Erectile Dysfunction - it happens to a lot of guys (just not at 13).

What's Going on There??!! Inside the Player's Minds - Coach Holla

In the continuing series here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot, we endeavor to bring you inside the minds of some of our United players this year.

Either through picture, video, or spoken word, we'll gather the intel on your favourite United players (and perhaps staff) and present it to you - right here on LakehillUnited.Blogspot.

After 48 hours of solid puking (not alcohol-related), Coach Holla emerged to find this little gem doing its rotation on Twitter.  Arguably the song of the summer, Carly-Rae Jepson's "Call Me Maybe" has been brilliantly combined with cross-dressing and Chatroulette.  It's worth a watch for the reactions alone!

And if you managed to make your way through that, here is what it should look like:

Hope you enjoy and stay tuned for more articles, coming soon.

And We're Back....

Welcome back to the greatest ever web site dedicated to the 6th best team in the 2011-12 VISL 2nd Division!!!  I think we can all agree that if there was a gold medal for that, we would get disqualified for not trying to win at shuttlecock.

We're excited to be back and have been working behind the scenes to secure fantastic new content, exclusive new features, and even new bloggers!

One of the features that we are especially excited about is that we are now on Twitter!  Give us a follow @LakehillUTD as we Tweet new articles, game updates, random thoughts, and pictures of lolcats (Feck we love http://icanhascheezburger.com/).

As mentioned, we are excited to have new writers joining our team which offer more content than just the usual match reports.  We've even lined up a sexpert to give us advice for what is ailing us in the bedroom.  Also stay tuned over the coming weeks for some of these quality articles in the works:

• Spotted - Mystery Lakehill Player at the Olympics!
• Nash's New Car #1 - the final chapter in our longest running feature is here!
• The People of Braefoot - Which Footer are we featuring next????
• Preseason Special!
• Inside the Player's Minds
• Dukes FC, A History

So don't forget to give us a follow on Twitter and check back often.  After all, we're hotter than a pistol.